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Life before kids.

I want to preface this post by saying that there are one million reasons why being a parent is the most amazing thing you will ever do in your lifetime. There are also one million people who will tell you that. Of course, I feel blessed to have the opportunity to be a mother and most days, I love every second of it. However, the point of this blog is not to be just another person telling you have amazing parenthood is. The point is to share some of the things that parents don’t tell you. It’s not all rainbows and butterflies, people, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with talking about that.

I thought a lot about whether or not to share these thoughts…. But ultimately, I decided to write this whole blog so that I had a forum to vent openly, so here goes.

Have you ever watched those shows on TLC about having children and being new parents? Every one of those mothers says how amazing it is to fall in love with someone so instantly, that childbirth is such a miracle, that they are adjusting well to having a newborn in the house… and so on. I can’t tell if these people are serious. You just can’t be that positive all the time. Right? I mean, don’t get me wrong, overall it is an amazing experience; But I remember my first night at home with Greyson and if you interviewed me, I would have said, “This is insane. What the hell did I get myself into? I don’t know what I am doing.”

One of the common quotes I hear these women say is that they can’t remember life before having children. Well, here is where I think they MUST be lying. And during our fiasco here at bedtime last night, I was definitely dreaming about my life before being a mother. Typically, Grey goes to bed at 8:00pm. Last night, we didn’t get him down until 11:15pm. I cannot explain how utterly exhausted I was/am. I don’t even feel like sharing the details because I am too tired to think about it. While I was trying to stay relaxed, I was dreaming about what life was like before I was responsible for another human being…

I remember when my day didn’t begin before 6:30am. EVER. I’m pretty sure I didn’t know that 4:30am even existed before Greyson was born. I remember when I went to work, talked to adults, and then went to the gym for a few hours. Hell, even the commute to work was amazing. Listening to anything besides “toddler tunes” on Pandora and having the music as loud as I please because there wasn’t an infant sleeping (or crying) in the backseat. Those were the days. I remember when picking up a mess on Saturday morning meant cleaning up the empties and the cigarettes around the fire pit from a Friday night with friends, not emptying a diaper genie and wiping down a highchair covered in sweet potatoes from Friday night’s dinner. I remember when I spent the evening hanging out with my husband and having dinner while we watched primetime TV. I remember when I used to be able to take a bath on a Sunday night while enjoying a quiet glass of wine and good book. I remember when we spent our money at the bar on the weekends, not at BJs stocking up on diapers and formula. It was a selfish life, and I know that what I am doing now is so much more amazing, but damn, I do miss it once in a while.

When I called my mother last night at 10:00pm for some moral support, I shared these thoughts with her and asked her if I was a bad mother. She laughed and said of course not and that she treasured her daily trip to the mailbox just to get some peace and quiet. It was definitely a challenging night and an overtired rough day today, but at least I know that I am probably not the only mother to feel this way. If you are reading this and you are a parent who truly has never felt like you were in over your head, maybe should get in touch with TLC – I am sure there is a show that you’d be perfect for.

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