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So when I told the little girl I nanny for to choose a book before nap time, this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind….

If I ever decide to be a guest reader at the library story time, this will be my book choice. I’d pay serious money to see the look on the mothers’ faces as I share this little number.

http://thehonestmommy.com/2013/01/31/so-when-i-told-the-little-girl-i-nanny-for-to/

You Know You Have Too Many Children When…

I took Grey to the Strong National Museum of Play this week and I have to say that the spectacle of so many parents toting around small armies of children was much more intriguing than the actual exhibits. I got to thinking about how many children I really want to have. I put this list together to help myself remember when enough is enough.

You Know You Have Too Many Children When…

1.)    …when the children outnumber the adults in the household.

2.)    …when you can field a basketball team.

3.)    …when you have to take two cars to go out as a family.

4.)    …when you have instated a buddy system in which the older kids are responsible for the younger kids when you are out.

5.)    …when you dress them in the same color shirt to keep track of them when you are in large crowds.

6.)    …when you can’t fit them all in one bathroom stall with you when you are out shopping.

7.)    …when your youngest has literally never owned anything new because you have so many hand-me-downs.

8.)    …when you’ve been either pregnant or breast-feeding for more than five years straight.

9.)    …when there’s not enough high chairs at the restaurant to seat your family.

10.) …when you need more than one cart at the grocery store to accommodate all of your weekly supplies.

11.) …when you drop your kids off at three different schools every day: elementary school, middle school, and high school.

12.) …when you own more than one set of bunk beds.

13.) …when people think it’s impressive that not only can you remember all of their names, you can list them in order from eldest to youngest.

14.) …when the number of loads of laundry you do every week far surpasses the number of meals you’ve had time to eat.

15.) …when the cost of sending them to daycare would exceed your annual salary.

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Overtired art.

http://thehonestmommy.com/2013/01/29/overtired-art/

So we took Grey to the Strong National Museum of Play today. He loved the Elmo’s World exhibit. I took this terrible photo of Matt and the baby – but it’s a great shot of Mr. Noodle. Am I the only mother who thinks Mr. Noodle is totally creepy?? He’s the kind of man I will teach Greyson not to take candy from at the playground.

http://thehonestmommy.com/2013/01/28/so-we-took-grey-to-the-strong-national-museum-of/

Annnnnnd it’s bath time.

#babylovespasta

http://thehonestmommy.com/2013/01/28/annnnnnd-its-bath-time-babylovespasta/

Apparently he’s way too mature for the baby food, Cheerios, and cereal bar I offered. Much rather eat the pancetta risotto. What a sophisticated (spoiled) baby.

#boycottingbabyfood

http://thehonestmommy.com/2013/01/27/apparently-hes-way-too-mature-for-the-baby-food/

Help Find a Cure: Pregnancy Brain

There is pretty much nothing worse than having the baby dressed, the diaper bag packed, the dog in the crate and… wait a second… I can’t find my keys. The dog is whining, Grey is crying because he hates his damn coat and I am struggling to keep my shit together. As I am standing in my kitchen, at a complete loss for where my keys might be, I catch a glimpse of my car in the driveway. The lights are on. The car is running… Oh yeah. I started my car to warm it up like, 30 minutes ago. This, my friends, is called pregnancy brain.

When I first found out I was expecting, I was pumped to start taking advantage of pregnant lady perks. I had been waiting for the day that I could pull into the “expectant mother” parking spot at Wegmans. I was totally looking forward to a guilt free excuse to get a weekly pedicure because I just couldn’t possibly reach my toes with a pregnant belly (By the way, not being able to reach your toes is not a perk). And of course, one of the benefits of being preggers – being able to pull the “pregnancy brain” card. Screw up an account at work? “Accidentally” forget about that working lunch date with your boss? Damn it, pregnancy brain! Before having a child, I obviously thought pregnancy brain was the lamest excuse for anything that I had ever heard. It couldn’t possibly be a real thing.

Turns out, it is a real thing. And a long-lasting thing at that. I have learned that pregnancy has some permanent side-effects, like stretch marks, and pregnancy brain is one of them. It’s like once you become a parent, you literally lose all ability to hold an intelligent, focused (and uninterrupted, for that matter) conversation. It’s no surprise because I spend the majority of my day babbling to a baby. Not to mention that I can literally feel my brain turning to mush with every idiotic episode of Sponge Bob Square Pants that the kids I nanny for insist that we watch.

And then of course, there’s the exhaustion. How can you possibly expect yourself to think straight when you haven’t slept in more than four hour increments in almost two years? I’m pretty sure that sleep deprivation can be used as a form of torture – and for good reason.  

Shortly after my cousin had her baby, she asked me when he would start sleeping through the night. I laughed and said I didn’t know. Greyson was seven months old at the time and he still wasn’t consistently sleeping through the night. And just so you know, the definition of sleeping through the night according to pediatricians means that the baby sleeps from 12:00am – 5:00am. What sort of crock of shit is that?

Maybe the quacks that decided that a full night’s sleep consists of 5 hours should put their time towards something useful like finding a cure for all of the mothers suffering from the mind-numbing madness that is pregnancy brain.

#mommy suffers from #pregnancy brain

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Hello, Happy Hour!

When you become a parent, I think I am stating the obvious here when I say that your life will change. Everything – from the way you do laundry, the way you get ready for work, the way you treat your husband – it will all change. It will take some getting used to. In case you are really clueless, I’ll just go ahead and say that you will be giving up some of the things you used to enjoy doing. At least temporarily. My weekends used to look something like this – dinner and drinks with friends, Saturday morning Yoga class, quick nap, afternoon cocktail (why not?), go to the bar, sleep in… and so on. Your free time becomes limited to the 1.5 hours of napping your child does during the day (when you’re lucky) and the hour after you’ve put baby to bed (if you can stay awake that long).

In order to maintain your sanity, you have to find a few minutes every day to enjoy some of the things you loved most about your pre-baby days. Like happy hour, for instance. What could possibly make me happier than half-priced margaritas on a Friday at 7:00PM? My mouth just watered a little bit – at both the thought of a margarita and the thought of some adult conversation. Anyways, after having a baby, happy hour is low on the list of priorities. Or is it?

It’s 7:00pm. Mix yourself a Bacardi and diet and head to the bathroom. Grey loves playing in the tub, so I have learned that this is a perfect time for me to take a few minutes to sit down. Granted, I am sitting on the toilet rather than on a barstool, but I’ll take it. I dim the lights, turn on Pandora, and watch my baby swim in the suds as I sip on my cocktail. I swear, after bath time tonight, I felt just as relaxed and refreshed as a night out with friends. While this isn’t happy hour in the traditional sense, I’d say this is a pretty happy hour for me. So if you are heading out tomorrow night and you are looking for a change of scenery, I know a little place you can go where the drinks are free and the company is cute. Feel free to stop by my place for bath time and beverages.

#mommy #happyhour

I love a man who works hard in the kitchen.

http://thehonestmommy.com/2013/01/24/i-love-a-man-who-works-hard-in-the-kitchen/