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Help Find a Cure: Pregnancy Brain

There is pretty much nothing worse than having the baby dressed, the diaper bag packed, the dog in the crate and… wait a second… I can’t find my keys. The dog is whining, Grey is crying because he hates his damn coat and I am struggling to keep my shit together. As I am standing in my kitchen, at a complete loss for where my keys might be, I catch a glimpse of my car in the driveway. The lights are on. The car is running… Oh yeah. I started my car to warm it up like, 30 minutes ago. This, my friends, is called pregnancy brain.

When I first found out I was expecting, I was pumped to start taking advantage of pregnant lady perks. I had been waiting for the day that I could pull into the “expectant mother” parking spot at Wegmans. I was totally looking forward to a guilt free excuse to get a weekly pedicure because I just couldn’t possibly reach my toes with a pregnant belly (By the way, not being able to reach your toes is not a perk). And of course, one of the benefits of being preggers – being able to pull the “pregnancy brain” card. Screw up an account at work? “Accidentally” forget about that working lunch date with your boss? Damn it, pregnancy brain! Before having a child, I obviously thought pregnancy brain was the lamest excuse for anything that I had ever heard. It couldn’t possibly be a real thing.

Turns out, it is a real thing. And a long-lasting thing at that. I have learned that pregnancy has some permanent side-effects, like stretch marks, and pregnancy brain is one of them. It’s like once you become a parent, you literally lose all ability to hold an intelligent, focused (and uninterrupted, for that matter) conversation. It’s no surprise because I spend the majority of my day babbling to a baby. Not to mention that I can literally feel my brain turning to mush with every idiotic episode of Sponge Bob Square Pants that the kids I nanny for insist that we watch.

And then of course, there’s the exhaustion. How can you possibly expect yourself to think straight when you haven’t slept in more than four hour increments in almost two years? I’m pretty sure that sleep deprivation can be used as a form of torture – and for good reason.  

Shortly after my cousin had her baby, she asked me when he would start sleeping through the night. I laughed and said I didn’t know. Greyson was seven months old at the time and he still wasn’t consistently sleeping through the night. And just so you know, the definition of sleeping through the night according to pediatricians means that the baby sleeps from 12:00am – 5:00am. What sort of crock of shit is that?

Maybe the quacks that decided that a full night’s sleep consists of 5 hours should put their time towards something useful like finding a cure for all of the mothers suffering from the mind-numbing madness that is pregnancy brain.

#mommy suffers from #pregnancy brain

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