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Mom Jeans

About this time last year, I was gearing up for the biggest event of my life – welcoming our first child into our family. I worried about some really “important” things, like if my epidural was going to kick in before delivery, if I was going to poop on the labor table, if I had remembered to pack my chapstick. Maybe worrying about these random things helped me to avoid thinking about the actual important things, like if the baby was going to be healthy. Anyways, one thing that was on my mind, and I’m sure is on the mind of most extremely pregnant women is getting back into my pre-pregnancy jeans. I’m not even kidding, I had dreams about fitting into those skinny jeans again someday.

 In the beginning, I couldn’t wait to have a cute pregnant belly. When my favorite jeans no longer buttoned, I used a hair tie to hook the button into the hole, which gave me a little stretch. Unfortunately, the day came when that no longer cut it. My thighs were expanding, my butt was bigger – it’s not just the waistline that is affected. When I went out shopping for maternity clothes, I have to say, I was not impressed. There is seriously only one store near me that carries maternity clothes. ONE. So let’s just say the selection was limited. I took hand-me-downs from anyone that offered them. My sister, my sister-in-law, my neighbor’s older sister’s best friend. You name  it – I was accepting donations. The trunk of my car looked like a mini-version of the Goodwill donation box. You can probably imagine some of the items I ended up with. And guess what, I saved them to pass on to my next lucky friend to get pregnant. They are going to get a good laugh out of some of this crap. Or maybe they will wear them, in which case we’d have to end our friendship.

About 36 weeks pregnant is when things start going downhill. How could I possibly find clothing to fit my ungodly shape when I literally hadn’t even seen my feet in weeks? At this point, even my husband’s oversized hoodies didn’t fit. By 39 weeks, the only thing that fit comfortably was my bathrobe. Untied. Luckily, I didn’t own a full length mirror while pregnant, but I did catch a glimpse of myself in the large mirror above my fireplace while walking downstairs one night and it wasn’t pretty. I really don’t understand why people have photos taken at this point in their pregnancy. Especially those women who have bare belly photos or even crazy naked photos taken. I had pregnancy photos taken at like 7 months along when I still looked like a human.

I think you get the point here. I couldn’t WAIT to wear clothing in the size that I had been pre-baby. I absolutely refused to buy any pants until I reached my pre-pregnancy weight. I didn’t realize how challenging that was going to be considering I have been a range of about 18 different sizes since the beginning of this whole escapade. But this past month, I’ve been hovering around my goal. So I decided to reward myself by purchasing a pair of new, expensive jeans. I wouldn’t call this experiencing rewarding exactly….…   Read on.

I enter the mall, which I have hardly been to since before pregnancy, and I realize that jeans now cost at least twice as much as  they used to. Also, jeans are no longer sized in like 4,6,8,10. It’s all 26, 27, 28, 31… plus they are all marked either 27a, 28t, 29r. When the hell did jeans’ sizes become a math equation? After two full hours of trying on about 8000 pairs of jeans in at least 6 different stores, it finally came to me. This experience – this exact moment – is why “mom jeans” happen. What mother has time to walk around the mall for two hours trying on thousands of things in order to find the perfect fit? No one. The smart mother would have walked into Kohls, grabbed the first pair that she was able to pull on over her newly shaped post-baby body and walked out. Who the hell cares what they look like? I mean, anything is an improvement from the untied bathrobe you’ve been rocking the past few months. My patient husband put up with my tantrums from store to store until I finally found a pair that I was satisfied with. I can’t say that they are the perfect fit, but I am hoping they are at least a step up from my thrift store looking threads that I’ve been flaunting. It seems as though I’ve purchased my first pair of jeans since becoming a mother and I’ve successfully avoided “mom jeans.” At least for now.

SNL features MOM JEANS

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I knew when I took this picture of Grey, it looked so familiar……

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