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Armed and Prepared

I'm thinking this new sign really adds to the curb appeal, right?

I’m thinking this new sign really adds to the curb appeal, right?

If you have not read my recent post titled, “Junk in the Trunk,” let’s start there. Go back and read it. Then, continue on here.

Ok – now that you know all about the kind of ridiculous shit that I keep in my car, who the hell would bother to break into it?! Unless you are interested in stealing garbage or dirty coffee mugs, you are totally wasting your time.

My husband and I live in an awesome neighborhood, but unfortunately, we are just a few miles down from a tougher part of town. However, we’ve never had any major issues and I’ve always felt safe, even when he is traveling for work. A few days ago, I woke up to find the gate that crosses our driveway into our backyard slightly open. I knew right away that something was wrong. Come to find out, my car that was parked in our garage that sits behind our house was broken into. There are two questions that everyone has asked me about the incident. Was the garage closed? Was your car locked? The answer – is no. Give me a break, ok? I went to bed Monday after an extremely long day of baby chasing and maybe I had a glass of wine or two and forgot to lock the car. Still, I think it’s extremely ballsy for someone to come through the gate into our garage, just to check to see if my car was locked.

After examining the crime scene, I want to share a few thoughts. Like I mentioned above, I can’t comprehend what kind of idiotic criminal would want to break into my car. I seriously would love to have seen the face on this guy when he opened my car door. Was he disappointed? Was he disgusted with me? Let me just tell you about some of the things that he did NOT take from my car, and honestly, I don’t blame him.

The glove compartment was opened and torn through. There are a LOT of papers in there. I have no idea what they are. I’ve never looked at them. I didn’t bother to look at them after the break-in either. I don’t care what they are and neither did my robber. Also in the glove compartment was a box of pregnancy tests. Don’t ask – It’s totally normal to keep pregnancy tests in your car (right..?). Anyways, apparently, my robber was not concerned about the possibility of pregnancy because he left those in the car. On the floor in the front seat were two bottles of water and a half drank Diet Pepsi. Guess he wasn’t thirsty. He left those for me, too.

The center console was opened. I always keep a few dollars cash in there for emergencies. Of course, that was gone. He didn’t touch anything else in the console. I have to say, I am a little offended that he chose to leave all of my CDs. Apparently robbers don’t like country music. Also in the center console was a can of Skoal (my husband’s). It was sitting on the front seat, opened. Obviously, he checked to see if there was any chew left in it. Really?! Men are ridiculous.

What kills me is that he didn’t even look in the backseat. I know he was probably in a rush, but c’mon. You’re already in the gate, in the garage, and inside the car. I would think he’d want to maximize his profit. My Coach purse with my WALLET sitting inside was on the floor in the back. Luckily, I had grabbed my license and credit card out of it earlier that day and tossed them into the diaper bag while Grey and I were running errands. But still, there was definitely more cash in my wallet than in the console. I know my robber was definitely a man because the Coach bag itself is worth way more than the $4.00 he took from the console. Leave the Coach bag, but take the Skoal. Classy.

While I know that this kind of thing happens everywhere, it still freaked me out. I’ve gone a little overboard on upping our safety situation after all this. We purchased a security system through ADT on Friday and picked up motion lights for the back yard. I even got one of those absolutely absurd “Beware of Dog” signs for my gate. Now THAT is a really attractive addition to our landscaping. Lastly, while it something I never thought I’d do, we’re purchasing a weapon to keep in the house. A mother has got to have a plan in place to protect her babies. Then, I can call myself The Honest (and Armed) Mommy. Sounds pretty bad ass to me.

So to my robber who so thoughtfully spared my purse, here’s some advice. If the car is any kind of small SUV or a minivan, it probably belongs to a mother – in which case you can just assume that the most expensive item inside is the car seat in the back… which I am going to guess you aren’t interested in taking. Although, you may want to check out our husbands’ cars, where you might just find a full can of chew in the console.


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