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Mommy Fame

My groupies.

My groupies.

When a person becomes a celebrity, they get to enjoy all of the benefits of fame and fortune, like expendable income and first-class treatment where ever they go. Unfortunately, they also have to deal with the negative consequences of being famous, like always traveling with an entourage of security, a complete lack of privacy, and constantly being harassed by paparazzi and crazy fans. Yesterday morning, it dawned on me. I realized that I might as well be famous because since becoming a mother, I am constantly harassed, privacy is non-existent, and a little entourage follows me around my house wherever I go.

The baby, my husband, and the dog are like Mommy Groupies. Between the three of them, I am usually being pestered for something at all times. The baby wants a bottle, the dog needs to be fed, my husband wants my attention – It can be overwhelming. This whole concept came about while I was trying to get ready to leave the house for work.  It’s nearly impossible to blow dry your hair when you have a one year old swinging from your robe and dog’s nose up your ass. I have no idea how everyone else showers with children around, but I just baby proofed the toilet and the cupboards and I lock Grey in the bathroom. He tries to get in the shower with me every day – I have mastered holding the sliding doors closed with one leg while shaving the other. It’s some impressive yoga-like positioning. The Mommy in the Shower pose. Since he’s unable to open the shower doors, he’s resorted to banging on the glass and screaming at me until I get out. He looks like an insane fan vying for my love, begging me to sing the ABC’s one more time while I rinse my hair.

I tried bringing tons of toys upstairs for Grey to entertain him while I got ready, but why the hell would he want to play with toys? He’d much rather walk directly behind me from the bathroom, to my closet, to the bedroom and so on. I swear, if any other person in the world stalked me like this, they’d be arrested.

And the dog is just as bad. I just don’t understand how I ended up with an animal that pretty much acts like a child. He gets jealous when I pay more attention to the baby. He acts out when he’s feeling neglected. Like, go chew a fucking bone or run around the backyard like a normal dog for God’s sake. But no, he feels the need to force his 95lb body into my extremely small bathroom to watch Grey hang on me while I attempt to get ready in the morning.

When a celebrity goes out for a quick cup of coffee or on a first date, the entire world is watching. The paparazzi takes photographs and magazines pump out articles about so-and-so’s new love interest. It’s ridiculous! Everyone in the world does these things. Why the hell do we feel the need to harass these people, simply because they are famous? Similarly, it doesn’t matter what I’m doing at home – my sidekicks are constantly on my tail. While trying to wash the dishes after dinner tonight, the dog laid on my feet and Grey pulled at my jeans. Seriously…. Get a life, you two. There are way more exciting things for you to be doing than hassling me while I rinse some plates. `

Like I said, when you make the decision to enter a career that involves becoming a celebrity, I guess you are aware that you will have to manage the challenging side of fame. In the same way, I knew that in becoming a wife and a mother, I would become the most important person in the world to a small group of people. There are days where I wish that I could still leave the house without my groupies tagging along, but all in all, it’s worth every crazy moment. Maybe if motherhood came with the expendable income and the first-class treatment, I wouldn’t mind the constant following quite as much…

 

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