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A Sincerely Sarcastic Letter to My Lovely Neighbor

If your sweet, little dog mysteriously disappears in the middle of the night, I swear, I had nothing to do with it.  Photo via Petfinder.com

If your sweet, little dog mysteriously disappears in the middle of the night, I swear, I had nothing to do with it.
Photo via Petfinder.com


Dear Lovely Next Door Neighbor,

I am writing this letter to inform you of a few things that have come to my attention. Since we live so closely and I truly care about you and your family, I want to share a few things with you. I think you might find some of this information very important and a little concerning.

It seems as though your dog, Chester, is escaping into the backyard sometime between midnight and 2:00am every night. Since my bedroom directly faces your yard, I can hear him barking loudly and sadly, wanting to come inside. I know that since you are so considerate and caring, there is absolutely no way you’d just put your dog outside in the middle of the night and let it bark for long periods of time, especially since you know that we have a baby trying to sleep in our house. I’m really concerned that you might not hear him barking and that you might need to get your hearing checked. I just love and adore your little dog and I feel so sorry for him when he is left out in the cold at night. Who knows what could happen? Someone could just walk right into your yard and kidnap him and then we’d never hear his loud, piercing bark ever again. It’s horrifying to think about. While I would definitely never do anything like that, I think there are some people that would. You can’t be too careful these days.

I also wanted to mention to you that I think your husband might be sleep- walking. I’ve woken up the last several Monday nights around 11:30pm to find him dragging the large, noisy garbage can from the street back up to your garage. While I know that it would bother me to leave my trash can lying in the driveway all day, I know he doesn’t mind because I saw him walk by it twice earlier in the day. There is just no logical reason that he’d decide to drag it back up at 11:30 at night. It’s just so loud – obviously it would wake the neighbors. I know he wouldn’t do that. You should really encourage him to see his doctor about how to treat his sleep walking. Maybe you can have his hearing checked while you are there.

While we are talking about your husband, please, give him our best. I am assuming that he has a back injury or some other health problem that has prevented him from being able to rake up your leaves. An injury can really be the only explanation as to why you would let old, un-raked leaves sit in your yard for six months. Actually, I have the name of someone who you can hire to take care of them for you. I’ll track down their number and pass it along to you. In the meantime, I hope your husband is feeling better soon.

Lastly, tell your son that we are so impressed with how his basketball skills are coming along. I know he is getting better because every night, at 8:00pm, while I am trying to rock my baby to sleep, I can hear every bounce of the ball, every shot he takes, and every time he cheers so loudly and excitedly for himself when he makes a basket. Don’t worry about the noise keeping the baby awake. Seeing your son’s skills improve is definitely more important than getting my baby to sleep at a decent hour. Practice makes perfect, right?

Oh – One more thing. I am so glad that you decided to install a very sensitive and extremely bright motion light on the side of your house. This is a great way to keep the neighborhood protected. Where did you get that light? It stays on for like, 15 minutes! I didn’t even know you could find motion lights that stay on that long. It makes me feel very safe. And really, don’t worry about it shining directly into mine or my baby’s bedrooms. After we realized how difficult it is to sleep with bright lights entering the room, we just went ahead and purchased room-darkening shades. No biggie.

So that’s about it! I hope all is well with you and I hope your husband is feeling better soon. Let’s get together soon!

Sincerely and Definitely NOT Sarcastically,

Your Very Kind and Caring Neighbor


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  1. Samantha says:

    I think we have the same neighbors!! Lol!

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