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You’ve arrived at the “IGNITE” Kindle Fire Giveaway!…

Ignite kindle giveaway

…a big part of the launch celebration for “Ignite!” a book of tasteful erotic fiction written especially with moms in mind!

CLICK THE COVER TO SEE IT LARGER!

CLICK THE COVER TO SEE IT LARGER!

 

 

 

 

 

 

You will not believe all the fun & prizes that are going on!

About your host!buy ignite button

Brickstone Publishing: Celebrating the launch of “Ignite!” It’s a book of tasteful, erotic short stories moms will love!

Whether you’re a woman who has put passion on the back burner or you’re a hot mama who has been keeping things aflame, these stories are sure to light your fire!

They’re short. They’re hot. They’re a little something just for you!

 

Co-hosting this giveaway! (Please show your love!)

Author Carolyn Ridder Aspenson! Author of the hot, bestselling book, “Unfinished Business!” (chick-lit/paranormal romance).

 

Kaliwood! A fun and feisty blogger: A Kentucky-born girl with a Hollywood state of mind! Be sure to check out her blog, which has tons of fun articles, great giveaways, and more!

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Author Lori Verni-Fogarsi (LoriTheAuthor). Three time award-winning author of “Momnesia” and “Unexpecting” (contemporary women’s fiction), and more! Also one of the “Ignite” authors!

LoriTheAuthor Button Find Yourself

 

Rascal and Rocco: A blog with fantastic photography, giveaways, and more. A pet lover’s dream!

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I Like it Frantic: a blog full with features such as entertainment, family, fashion, health, product reviews, and giveaways!

I like it frantic

 

Kaisy Daisy’s Corner: is a blog featuring recipes, product reviews, giveaways, crafts, books, and more!

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The Honest Mommy: a blog about parenting from an honest point of view; from the best of times to the nitty-gritty worst, and everything in between!

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The World of Contest Patti: all things fun from a ginger mum!

Contest Patti

Here is where to enter!

Use the entry form below to enter to win! Come back daily to get extra entries, too! When you’re done, don’t forget to visit our other events… there are two other HUGE giveaways surrounding the launch of “Ignite!” Have fun and good luck! You may need to wait a minute for the entry form to load. Good luck!

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Don’t forget to visit the rest of the celebration!

buy ignite buttonThere’s an “IGNITE” Blast Something Just for You Giveaway (40+ prizes!) and a Trip to Vegas Giveaway! Click here to go to them!

Ketchup, Mustard, and Thanksgiving

Yesterday, I was substitute teaching in a Kindergarten classroom. The topic at morning meeting revolved around the upcoming holiday, of course. We went around the circle as each child shared what they were thankful for. Most of them said that they were thankful for their moms and dads, siblings, their teacher, or their toys. When I asked the last little boy in the group what he was thankful for, he thought for a moment with a huge smile on his face and replied, “Ketchup and mustard.” A simple and honest response.

I have to say, I tend to agree. I’m a huge condiment fan myself.

I didn’t participate in posting what I was thankful for every day of the month on Facebook, mostly because I’m sure my friends are already sick of the obnoxious amount of shit I post that clogs up their newsfeeds. That doesn’t eliminate the fact that I am definitely thankful for a lot of things. I won’t bore you with the obvious and most common responses, just like what many of the kindergarteners mentioned yesterday (i.e., family and friends). While I did attempt to avoid pissing off my Facebook friends with the daily posts, I wanted to take the opportunity to share the 30 things that I am thankful for here on my blog. In the spirit of that awesome kindergartener, I am going to keep it simple and honest. And I’m going to assume you already know that I’m thankful for the obvious things.

So here goes.

1.)    Coffee.

2.)    The mornings when my husband gets up with the baby.

3.)    The small amounts of time during the day when my son entertains himself.

4.)    A hot shower at the end of every crazy day.

5.)    Wine.

6.)    Babysitters.

7.)    Alone time with baby.

8.)    A quiet commute in the morning after I drop the baby at day care.

9.)    Febreze.

10.)  My treadmill.

11.)  Toddler iPad Apps.

12.)  Kids TV on Demand .

13.)  My Kindle.

14.)  Play dates (which are a total excuse to hang out with mom friends).

15.)  My iPhone.

16.)  Social Media.

17.)  Did I mention coffee and wine yet?

18.)  The fact that my husband does all the laundry.

19.)  Holiday scented candles.

20.)  DVR.

21.)  Paper plates.

22.)  Huggies Overnight Diapers.

23.)  Target.

24.)  My large, annoying, but super cute dog.

25.)  Snapfish (I take A LOT of photos…).

26.)  The blogging community.

27.)  Snowplowing service.

28.)  Baby gates (and cabinet locks, toilet locks, outlets covers….)

29.)  My video monitor.

30.)  Our new roof.

So there it is. The long list of little things that get me through each day.

Oh and two more very crucial items that I forgot to include – Ketchup and mustard, of course.

*

 

Happy Thanksgiving to my readers and supporters! I am extremely thankful for all of you 🙂

The “Do We Call the Doctor” Debate

As moms, we are obligated to worry about every tiny sniffle, red mark, or red rash that appears on our children. It’s what we do. No matter how serious or minor it may be, we can’t help ourselves. We worry about it. We scrutinize the symptoms, we take photos when possible, and then we start consulting with anyone and everyone for their opinions (including our own mothers, our mom friends, our sisters, our online support groups, our Facebook friends, etc). And after we’ve exhausted all of our resources, we being the ever exhausting, “Do We Call the Doctor Debate?”

This is precisely the chain of events that occurred on Tuesday night when my husband took Grey upstairs for bath time and then began yelling for me from the bathroom. From the tone of his voice, I was imagining that my son was bleeding on the bathroom floor or drowning in the tub. That’s another thing mothers do. We imagine the worst. We can’t help it. (FYI – Raising kids is seriously stressful). But anyways, it turns out Grey had come down with a rash on his backside. And right then and there, I took photos of my son’s bare ass and then texted them to my mom and my sister for their opinion. Yup. Just another day in the motherhood.

And so it began. The Debate. Do we call the doctor? I go through the same thought process every time I find myself in this situation and it almost always goes like this: Should I call the doctor? Is it that serious? Will they think I’m crazy? They’ll probably just tell me it’s viral. Is it worth bothering the on-call physician at home for something little? Do I care if these people think I’m crazy?

I really want to be that laid back mother who doesn’t give a shit about anything and could stay calm even in the craziest situation (if that mom even exists, that is), but I just can’t. In the end, I always end up calling the doctor. And as I’m describing whatever ridiculous health issue I’m concerned about, I always end up sounding like a total nut case and realizing half way through my spiel that cradle crap is probably not a pressing issue and doesn’t warrant a phone call to the pediatrician on the weekend.

A few months ago, my son fell and hit his head on the hardwood pretty early on a Saturday morning. After assessing the massive bruise and finally convincing myself that this was definitely an acceptable situation to bother the doctor, I made the call. It went like this.

 Is he bleeding? 

No.

Is he still crying?

No.

Is he vomiting?

No.

Are his eyes dilated or is he losing consciousness?

Um…. No. Shit. I probably should have Googled this before I woke you up at 6:00am on a Saturday….

You get the drift.

So, back to Tuesday night. The Rash. After consulting the opinions of my Mommy Army and before making another obnoxious phone call, I decided to do a little research myself. As it turns out, Googling health symptoms may not be the best idea either. If you type in “toddler rash on back and buttocks” into your search engine, which I am NOT recommending, I can almost guarantee you will lose your lunch. It’s like a health symptom horror movie. You may need to call your OWN doctor to help you recover from the post traumatic stress disorder you are about to endure from viewing photos of that shit.

Originally, I was thinking my son might have some kind of cold virus that produced a rash, but after my super scientific research (aka WebMD), I was convinced he had something really nasty and scary. Roseola, Coxsackie, Impetigo, Chicken Pox…. What the fuck is Herpangina???

So what do you think I did?? I’ll give you one guess. I called the on-call doctor. Want to know how that turned out???? They didn’t call me back. HAHAHA. Maybe you only get a certain number of on-call phone calls before they just start ignoring you. But seriously, here we are two days later, and the rash is still present. I swear to God, not only am I going to make an appointment and take him into the doctor tomorrow, but I am going to give someone some serious shit for not calling me back. I’m sure they won’t think I’m crazy at all.

And for your information, I was going to include one of the bare ass red rash photos I took because I think it’s totally ridiculous and hilarious that those are seriously on the camera roll of my phone right now, but I decided to spare you. So, you’re welcome.

Oh and one last thing. The next time your spouse pisses you off, just Google “toddler butt rash” and leave the window open on their laptop. Sure way to ruin their day.

My Top 10 Christmas Don’t List

Dear Santa,

As the children begin making their Christmas Wish Lists, I feel as though every mother is entitled to a Christmas Don’t List, which is a nice comprehensive compilation of all the toys that we DON’T want you to bring to our children. So if you plan on staying off my mommy shit list this year, please don’t even THINK about bringing any of these toys to my house.

Hex Bugs – Considering that these toys are tiny, they’re not only a vibrating choking hazard but nearly impossible to keep track of. Additionally, the expensive batteries run out almost every other minute and require a fucking miniature tool set and the eye sight of some exotic creature in order to actually attempt to change them. And really, what is so amazing about these toys?? The description says that they “act like real bugs” and “can fit in your hand.” Well doesn’t that sound AMAZING (insert extremely sarcastic tone here)????

Furby Boom – Don’t even get me started, Santa. Based on how much the Original Furby fucking irritates me, I can’t even envision what kind of enraged state of mind this newer version might put me into. Here’s my own little description of this god awful toy – “The new Furby Boom is just as obnoxious as the Original, but now he comes in unbearable colors and patterns and says TWICE the amount of annoying shit as the first Furby! But don’t worry, just like his predecessor, he does NOT have an “OFF” switch, just to guarantee hours and hours of pure aggravation.” This toy also connects to the iPad via the Furby App. Great. Now I can look forward to the kids telling me to get the fuck off MY iPad because they need to feed the damn Furby and the only way to do that is to purchase and connect to the App. Kill me.

Between the horrible patterns and the obnoxious talking, this toy could potentially cause seizures.

Between the horrible patterns and the obnoxious noise, this toy could potentially cause seizures.

My Little Pony Equestrian Girls – As if the new My Little Ponies cartoon and toys aren’t awful enough, now you can buy My Little Pony Equestrian Girls. I have to incorporate a picture here, because honestly, I don’t get it. What the fuck are they? Girls? Horses? I’m confused. I bet if I spent an hour watching the My Little Pony Equestria Girls movie, I’d have a better grip on what they are going for. Unfortunately, I’d rather get a pap smear and a mammogram than sit through that shit.

Leap Frog Leap Pad Ultra – Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not hating on the Leap Pad. I actually think this toy is pretty cool. Expensive, but cool. Unfortunately, why the hell would my kid want to play on a Leap Pad when he can just cry long and hard enough for me to finally give in and just let him have the iPad?? You know when your toddler refers to the iPad as his MYPad, you’re pretty much screwed. Maybe I can keep myself busy on the Leap Pad while he downloads new toddler apps on my iPad, or more appropriately, his MyPad.

Monster High Dolls – What the HELL is this SHIT???? The toys are described as “freakishly fabulous” or, in my own words, weird and slutty. This is precisely why I am NEVER having daughters.

These dolls are like a disturbing, monster version of the mean girls from high school.

These dolls are like a disturbing, monster version of the mean girls from high school.

Musical Instruments – Thanks Santa, but my kid is loud enough on his own at 5:45am. There’s no need to supply him with any additional noise making items to add to the racket that occurs in my household. Specifically, please don’t bring the Meowsic Keyboard, that not only plays 20 familiar songs, but also 7 “kitty witty songs” and includes a microphone to make my child’s voice louder than it already fucking is. Please. Just spare me on this one.

This toy features a setting in which the it sings MEOW every time you press a key. WORST.IDEA.EVER.

This toy features a setting in which the it sings MEOW every time you press a key. WORST.IDEA.EVER.

Flutterbye Flying Fairy Doll – At first glance, this toy is not THAT bad (besides the fact that it actually flies around, which means it’s a threat to knocking shit over in my house). Here’s the catch. It takes six AA batteries. SIX! Isn’t that like, a whole pack of batteries??? Screw you, high class fairy. We can’t afford to dedicate an entire pack a batteries to one toy in this household. So even if I had daughters, this toy would make the shit list.

Skylanders – Ok. I’m not a gamer, but from what I can understand, the Skylanders video games encourage you to purchase not ONLY the game itself, but also the “Portal of Power” which hooks up via USB to the gaming system PLUS individual plastic characters that must be placed on the portal in order to use them in the game. That just sounds like a lot of expensive shit to buy. So unless you are planning on bringing the game, the portal, and EVERY character, then don’t even think about it, Santa.

And I reiterate, that looks like A LOT of shit to buy.

And I reiterate, that looks like A LOT of shit to buy.

The Zelfs – I’m not going to lie, these are new to me. I happened to be searching for non-obnoxious toys to purchase for my son and I came across The Zelfs on a Top Toy List. All I have to say is these toys look like Trolls on drugs. I’m already visualizing the nightmares that I’m going to have about these creepy dolls.

Miscellaneous – I’m dedicating this category to include “everything else” that is going to annoy the shit out of me. Let me explain. Don’t bring toys that involve any kind of assembly, toys that need 47 AAA batteries (or any batteries, for that matter), or any toys that require the jaws of life to remove them from the insufferable plastic packaging.

So there it is. Thanks, Santa, for taking my insight into consideration. And if you are feeling really generous, wrap up a few large bottles of red wine and a gift certificate for an extra long massage. You’ll be sure to stay off of this Mommy’s Naughty list.

Merry Christmas.

Love,

The Honest Mommy

 

 

Photo Credits: 

http://official-furby.wikia.com/wiki/Furby_BOOM!_Eggs

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monster_High

http://www.target.com/p/b-meowsic-keyboard/-/A-12026417?ref=tgt_adv_XSG10001&AFID=Google_PLA_df&LNM=%7C12026417&CPNG=Toys&kpid=12026417&LID=PA&ci_src=17588969&ci_sku=12026417&gclid=CIqN9f_W4LoCFQ8OOgodVG0AOA

http://www.fourhman.com/wp/?attachment_id=4515

 

 

 

 

 

The Parking Lot Show Down

I’m walking out of the grocery store, in a full sweat, cart overflowing, toddler squirming, trying to locate my keys while attempting to keep my kid from jumping out of the cart. It’s a Saturday morning, so the grocery store is absolutely packed. I only managed to get an amazing parking spot since I arrived here at the ass crack of dawn (or so it seems) and it’s gotten busy during the crazy amount of time I’ve spent trying to complete this errand. As I’m walking the short distance to my car, I can’t help but feel as though I’m being watched. I turn around and notice that a car is slowly creeping behind me while I’m pushing my cart, probably looking like the motherhood version of a bag lady, still sweating and struggling to end this god awful grocery shopping chore. I realize that the car’s blinker is already turned on when it finally hits me – this person is going to follow me and wait for my parking spot.

Clearly, this driver doesn’t have children because it’s obvious they have no idea how much time and effort I’m about to spend loading my entire trunk full of groceries and then attempting to fight the wild beast into his car seat.

I’m annoyed for several reasons. I was already feeling rushed, knowing that my toddler is a ticking time bomb, set to go off as soon as he finished the last of the snacks I packed. Now I’m feeling the added pressure of trying to hurry up so that this douche bag can have my parking spot. Plus, after taking a look around the parking lot, I notice that there are plenty of other spaces (just not nearly as close to the entrance as mine). But really, it’s not raining, it’s a gorgeous day, and this lazy Mother Effer is making me feel the need to rush even more than I already am, just to save  himself a few extra steps to the door?

Well, I hope that this guy’s time isn’t as important to him as his precious energy because it’s going to be at least 15 minutes before I am even thinking about backing out of this parking spot. And not because I’m just trying to be annoying or purposely slow (Ok, maybe a little….) but because it’s seriously going to take me that long to get myself organized.

I finally locate my keys and begin loading the 100 bags of groceries into the trunk of my car. On a side note, how is it possible to need this much food for a family with only one small child?? What am I going to do when he’s a teenager??? But I digress. All while I am loading the car, I am singing and entertaining the kid to keep him from losing his shit out of pure boredom. I can’t load him first because I have to walk 10 parking spaces away to put the cart in the little corral. I bet the driver who’s waiting for my spot is one of those people who doesn’t even put their cart in the corral out of pure laziness. I take my time loading the car and walk my cart down to the corral, toddler in tow. I pick up my son and walk back to my car, shocked that this person is STILL waiting for my spot. I realize at this point that I left the box of diapers on the shelf underneath the cart, so I walk ALL the way back to the cart corral carrying a 30lb kid and grab the damn box. (Now you are starting to understand why I’m  in a full sweat and why I consider grocery shopping a full fledged workout).

I get back to my car and realize that my son’s diaper is leaking. I lay him down in the back seat, change him, and then begin strapping him into his carseat, which is no easy feat.

Seriously, this person is STILL fucking waiting??? It’s impossible. He could have finished his shopping by now. But at this point, I guess, he’s committed. He’s waited this long. He is NOT giving up now.

As I walk around to the driver’s seat, I catch a glimpse of the driver. It was a man. Go figure. Only a middle aged man who prides himself on getting the best spot possible would wait this long. Or maybe a teenaged girl who doesn’t mind talking or texting on her cell phone for 15-20 minutes while she waits. Or people who don’t have kids in the backseat, I suppose.

The point of my story is this. Stop being lazy. But if you really feel the need to stalk someone walking to their car in order to get a good parking space, you should probably follow someone who doesn’t have kids (unless you have 20 minutes to spare).