As the children begin making their Christmas Wish Lists, I feel as though every mother is entitled to a Christmas Don’t List, which is a nice comprehensive compilation of all the toys that we DON’T want you to bring to our children. So if you plan on staying off my mommy shit list this year, please don’t even THINK about bringing any of these toys to my house.
Hex Bugs – Considering that these toys are tiny, they’re not only a vibrating choking hazard but nearly impossible to keep track of. Additionally, the expensive batteries run out almost every other minute and require a fucking miniature tool set and the eye sight of some exotic creature in order to actually attempt to change them. And really, what is so amazing about these toys?? The description says that they “act like real bugs” and “can fit in your hand.” Well doesn’t that sound AMAZING (insert extremely sarcastic tone here)????
Furby Boom – Don’t even get me started, Santa. Based on how much the Original Furby fucking irritates me, I can’t even envision what kind of enraged state of mind this newer version might put me into. Here’s my own little description of this god awful toy – “The new Furby Boom is just as obnoxious as the Original, but now he comes in unbearable colors and patterns and says TWICE the amount of annoying shit as the first Furby! But don’t worry, just like his predecessor, he does NOT have an “OFF” switch, just to guarantee hours and hours of pure aggravation.” This toy also connects to the iPad via the Furby App. Great. Now I can look forward to the kids telling me to get the fuck off MY iPad because they need to feed the damn Furby and the only way to do that is to purchase and connect to the App. Kill me.
My Little Pony Equestrian Girls – As if the new My Little Ponies cartoon and toys aren’t awful enough, now you can buy My Little Pony Equestrian Girls. I have to incorporate a picture here, because honestly, I don’t get it. What the fuck are they? Girls? Horses? I’m confused. I bet if I spent an hour watching the My Little Pony Equestria Girls movie, I’d have a better grip on what they are going for. Unfortunately, I’d rather get a pap smear and a mammogram than sit through that shit.
Leap Frog Leap Pad Ultra – Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not hating on the Leap Pad. I actually think this toy is pretty cool. Expensive, but cool. Unfortunately, why the hell would my kid want to play on a Leap Pad when he can just cry long and hard enough for me to finally give in and just let him have the iPad?? You know when your toddler refers to the iPad as his MYPad, you’re pretty much screwed. Maybe I can keep myself busy on the Leap Pad while he downloads new toddler apps on my iPad, or more appropriately, his MyPad.
Monster High Dolls – What the HELL is this SHIT???? The toys are described as “freakishly fabulous” or, in my own words, weird and slutty. This is precisely why I am NEVER having daughters.
Musical Instruments – Thanks Santa, but my kid is loud enough on his own at 5:45am. There’s no need to supply him with any additional noise making items to add to the racket that occurs in my household. Specifically, please don’t bring the Meowsic Keyboard, that not only plays 20 familiar songs, but also 7 “kitty witty songs” and includes a microphone to make my child’s voice louder than it already fucking is. Please. Just spare me on this one.
Flutterbye Flying Fairy Doll – At first glance, this toy is not THAT bad (besides the fact that it actually flies around, which means it’s a threat to knocking shit over in my house). Here’s the catch. It takes six AA batteries. SIX! Isn’t that like, a whole pack of batteries??? Screw you, high class fairy. We can’t afford to dedicate an entire pack a batteries to one toy in this household. So even if I had daughters, this toy would make the shit list.
Skylanders – Ok. I’m not a gamer, but from what I can understand, the Skylanders video games encourage you to purchase not ONLY the game itself, but also the “Portal of Power” which hooks up via USB to the gaming system PLUS individual plastic characters that must be placed on the portal in order to use them in the game. That just sounds like a lot of expensive shit to buy. So unless you are planning on bringing the game, the portal, and EVERY character, then don’t even think about it, Santa.
The Zelfs – I’m not going to lie, these are new to me. I happened to be searching for non-obnoxious toys to purchase for my son and I came across The Zelfs on a Top Toy List. All I have to say is these toys look like Trolls on drugs. I’m already visualizing the nightmares that I’m going to have about these creepy dolls.
Miscellaneous – I’m dedicating this category to include “everything else” that is going to annoy the shit out of me. Let me explain. Don’t bring toys that involve any kind of assembly, toys that need 47 AAA batteries (or any batteries, for that matter), or any toys that require the jaws of life to remove them from the insufferable plastic packaging.
So there it is. Thanks, Santa, for taking my insight into consideration. And if you are feeling really generous, wrap up a few large bottles of red wine and a gift certificate for an extra long massage. You’ll be sure to stay off of this Mommy’s Naughty list.
The Honest Mommy