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The “As Seen On TV” Addiction

I was at the bar with my husband and our friend over the Christmas holiday. I know, I know – it’s SO shocking that lame parents like us made it out for a drink with our very social, very childless friends. But anyways, we were chatting and casually watching a basketball game that was on the television behind the bar. During a break in the game, an infomercial came on and our conversation suddenly slowed down. The three of us stood there, mesmerized by this infomercial for a product called, The Perfect Bacon Bowl. Yes, you heard me. The Perfect Bacon Bowl. It’s a mold that allows you to create a bacon bowl that can be stuffed with things like scrambled eggs, macaroni and cheese, or hamburger meat. Maybe we were just hungry for some late night snacks or maybe it was the alcohol, but I could tell that all three of us were definitely craving A Perfect Bacon Bowl stuffed with something delicious.

When I woke up in the morning, the thought of a bacon bowl pretty much made me want to hurl. However, it did remind me of all of the useless, overpriced, gimmicky, annoying products that I actually considered buying while watching television at night after Greyson was born. As a new mother, I watched a LOT of late night TV. Unfortunately, breastfeeding meant that my husband couldn’t really help much in the feeding department and my new baby was up at least 2-3 times a night to nurse. Lucky me. And after 2AM, there’s not a whole lot on television besides mind numbing infomercials. I found myself glued to them. I was actually interested. I was becoming addicted. It’s like the severe exhaustion that sets in from the lack of sleep during the last few months of pregnancy tacked on to the every-three-hour nighttime hang out sessions with my baby were causing a lapse in judgment. I really thought I needed these things. In fact, if I had access to my credit card while sitting there in my bed breastfeeding Grey, I might have actually purchased a good portion of that shit.

Now, twenty-two months later, my good sense has luckily returned and I didn’t consider purchasing The Perfect Bacon Bowl, even thought it did look enticing that night at the bar. Here’s a lovely list of the other obnoxious products that I considered buying post-partum. Enjoy.

A Snuggie. The wearable blanket. This is probably the most amazing product for breastfeeding, post-partum mothers. I was still in between maternity clothes and pre-pregnancy clothes, so I had nothing that fit anyhow. Plus, I spent the majority of my day shirtless due to the constant need to breastfeed. Might as well rock out in a wearable blanket. It would have been a nice change from my bathrobe.

Pajama Jeans. “Pajamas you live in. Jeans you sleep in.” Are you kidding me? They make pajamas that look like jeans? I never have to get dressed again? Need I say more? These were designed for mothers. And did you know that they even make pajama jeans for men and dogs, too? Amazing.

The Shake Weight. Cmon. Is this for real? I’d purchase this solely because I have a sense of humor.

Is this for toning your arms or perfecting certain sexual practices..... or both? Either way, I love it.

Is this for toning your arms or perfecting certain sexual practices….. or both? Either way, I love it.

Hot Buns. Ok, here’s a little confession. I actually bought this one. As a new mom, a way to keep my (greasy, unwashed) hair up tight and out of the grasp of my little, hair-pulling baby sounded amazing. Unfortunately, I never had the time to figure out how to work it. Cutting off my hair turned out to be a much faster solution.

Anything Fitness Related. The Thigh Toner, The Belly Burner, The Ab Rocket, The 60-Day Totally Body Conditioning Insanity Program…. The list goes on. And as a post-partum mama with 30 pounds to go before reaching my goal weight, I considered all of it.

Smart Cover. These products are designed to cover severe skin imperfections, like burns, damaged skin, and dark circles. Did someone say DARK CIRCLES? I must buy this immediately, I thought.

OMG. That transformation is amazing. That photo doesn't look digitally altered at all.

OMG. That transformation is amazing. That photo doesn’t look digitally altered at all.

Party in the Tub. The Party in the Tub is a toy that spins and gives off an LED light display right there in tub. While Grey was only three weeks old at the time, he’d need tubby toys at some point, right? A light show in the tub sounds safe and totally necessary for every child. Right?

Slimming Leggings. Even in my delirious, exhausted state, I was smart enough to know there is nothing slimming about leggings.

I have to say, that is definitely NOT what my post-pregnancy ass would look like in "slimming leggings."

I have to say, that is definitely NOT what my post-pregnancy ass would look like in “slimming leggings.”

What’s amazing is that every one of these products was available for only 17 easy payments of $39.99. But of course, if I called within two minutes of seeing the infomercial, I’d get a trial of some other useless product and a special gift, FREE! What a fucking deal.

So there you have it, ladies. My advice is this. If you’re bored while breastfeeding alone during the night, avoid the infomercials. Or at the very least, keep your cell phones and your credit cards at bay.

 

Want to buy some of this useless shit? Check out the links below.

http://www.asseenontv.com/slimming-leggings/detail.php?p=479435

http://www.asseenontv.com/fitness/index.php?v=fitness&nvbar=Fitness

http://www.walmart.com/ip/As-Seen-on-TV-Shake-Weight-for-Women-with-Workout-DVD/14205725

http://www.buyhotbuns.com/

https://www.buyperfectbacon.com/default.aspx?utm_source=Google_Non_TM&utm_medium=CPC&utm_campaign=CPD

http://www.smartcover.com/?gclid=CPLhybqR1LsCFQlgMgodNUQAew

http://www.pajamajeans.com/Default.aspx

http://www.mysnuggiestore.com/

https://www.asseenontv.com/party-in-the-tub-light-as-seen-on-tv/detail.php?p=496865&v=toys

 

Our Second Attempt at Breakfast with Santa

If you follow my blog, then I’m sure you already know about the awful experience at Santa Breakfast that we had last year. Long story short, the venue was a warehouse, the food was vegan-organic-soy-gross, and Santa’s little elves were dressed in combat boots and fish nets. Needless to say, I was a little disappointed. On a side note, that place actually had the balls to call me back and ask if we’d be attending again this year…. I’ll just let you imagine my response.

So this year, I was bound and determined to make it right. I researched several Breakfasts with Santa and we decided to make reservations for one held St. John Fisher College, where my husband and I met. How cute, right? If you aren’t familiar with Fisher, let me fill you in quickly on the dining hall situation. Fisher had the absolute most amazing dining hall food in collegiate history. There’s a reason I weighed 25 pounds heavier in college and only a small portion of that weight (Ok, maybe about half that weight) was due to the exorbitant amount of alcohol consumed regularly. Brunch in the Fisher dining hall is legendary. On a Sunday after a long night of drinking, there was nothing better than a minimum of three plates filled with eggs, bacon, breakfast pizza, home fries, and whatever other delicious additions you could find floating around the dining hall. In short, the food was damn good. So when we found out that Fisher hosts a Breakfast with Santa, it seemed the perfect opportunity to visit our Alma mater. At least we knew the food would definitely be better than the organic cardboard crap we pushed around our plates at last year’s event.

Walking around the Fisher campus was a little bit surreal. I swear, the same old woman who swiped your meal card at the door was still there. The last time that I was in the dining hall in college, I definitely didn’t have a child with me and I was probably far more hung over. And brunch? It was even better than I remember. We had a blast eating breakfast and decorating cookies. Then, it was our turn to meet Santa.

Here we are trying to convince our kid that Santa isn't a total creep.

Here we are trying to convince our kid that Santa isn’t a total creep.

Greyson has always been a little bit scared of strangers, so I knew the chances of him sitting on Santa’s lap were probably slim. Now that I think about it, I actually prefer  that he has a problem with me handing him off to a stranger, especially a creepy old man with a beard and a ridiculous red jumpsuit. I’m totally fine with the fact that he doesn’t think it’s normal to sit on a stranger’s lap, even if they are trying to bribe you with toys and candy…. But I digress. We got Grey a train table for Christmas, so we were trying to hype him up for it by telling him to ask for choo choo trains when it was his turn to meet Santa. While we couldn’t get the kid anywhere near sitting on Santa’s lap, we did get close enough for him to tell Santa what he wanted. And do you know what he asked for? Not choo choo trains, not a bike, not trucks or books or airplanes. He asked for a water bottle. He wants a frickin’ WATER BOTTLE. Are you kidding me?! God, I love toddlers. Now that, my friends, I can make happen. I don’t have to wait in lines on black Friday to get a good deal on a water bottle or try to beat the crowds to ensure that the store isn’t sold out of water bottles. I’m almost positive it doesn’t get any easier than buying your kid a water bottle for Christmas. I know in a few short years he’ll  think he’s worthy of a PS4 or the newest Apple product, but this year, I am just enjoying the fact that the kid wants a fucking water bottle.

Check out this sweet construction truck water bottle. I'm going to have the happiest kid ever on Christmas morning.

Check out this sweet construction truck water bottle. I’m going to have the happiest kid ever on Christmas morning.

All in all, it was an awesome day. I got to enjoy an amazing breakfast with my family, visit with some friends, and got to watch my son tell Santa what he wanted for Christmas for the first time. And on top of that, Santa’s Elves were dressed appropriately this year and didn’t even seem like they were smoking something between shifts. Cheers to that.

The Christmas Collision

shopping

I have a confession to make. I absolutely hate shopping. I despise going to the mall. I detest the toy store and the shoe store and the grocery store. If I could hire someone to purchase and deliver anything and everything I could possibly ever need from any store directly to my home, I would.

There are a lot of reasons I don’t enjoy shopping. If I’m looking for clothes, I typically try on half the store, carry it around like I’m going to buy it, and then end up putting it all back because I lack the ability to make any kind of fashion decisions. When I do fall in love with something, I usually end up feeling guilty for spending too much money on clothing for myself that will undoubtedly get stained by my toddler, chewed up by the dog, or shrunk in the dryer by my husband. If I’m shopping for my son, I usually debate over what size to get, considering he grows out of everything within mere minutes and the seasons change about every other week. I hate shopping for groceries because despite my OCD husband’s list that is neatly categorized by items and their corresponding aisles, I still end up wandering around aimlessly looking for something random like croutons. Where the hell do they put the croutons anyways?

Having a child brings on an entirely new level of stress when attempting to shop in any kind of store. Shopping trips are like strategic missions that involve an intense amount of planning and trickery to keep the kid occupied and happy at all times.

So now that you know how I feel about shopping in general, you can imagine how I feel about shopping in December. I’m a relatively anxious person to begin with, so dealing with the parking, the crowds, and the Christmas craziness all while trying to keep track of a very fast toddler is just way too much for me to handle.

Last December was my son’s very first Christmas. While I would normally try to avoid toy stores and strip malls at all costs during the month of December, I made an exception. Greyson was about ten months old and my husband and I were pumped to make it an awesome holiday. We got a babysitter (which was rare at the time) and made plans to go to Toys R Us to get his gifts. With him being little, we weren’t going to go crazy, but we were so excited to pick out a few new toys for him to open on Christmas morning. These are the things you look forward to as a new parent, right?

We maneuvered through the insane holiday traffic and the December snow and finally made it to Toys R Us, which was a complete mad house. Wives were barking orders at their husbands. Fathers were grabbing toys off shelves while running full speed up and down the aisles. I swear I saw a disheveled parent scaling a shelf to claim the last item left of a specific toy. One woman was walking around like a zombie repeating the list of “Hot Toys of 2012” over and over again quietly to herself. It was like a parenting war zone.

We did our best to keep to ourselves and to get a few things and get the hell out of there. And that’s when it happened – The Christmas Collision. Despite our efforts, our cart accidentally collided with another woman’s in the aisle we had been browsing in. I fully (naively) expected this chick to apologize and move out of the way. On the contrary, she slowly turned her head to size us up. The scowl on her face made her look like the mother of a brood of beasts who hadn’t slept in at least five years. Her hair was muddled and it looked like she hadn’t showered in days. Before we could even get a word out, she started yelling obscenities at us, right there in the aisle – in the middle of Toys R Us – in front of her children and other people’s children. I couldn’t even tell you exactly what she said because I’m fairly sure that I blacked out due to shock. I am a relatively non-confrontational person. I’ve never been in a serious fight in my life. I’ve never sworn at anyone (except my husband…. once or twice…..).  I couldn’t believe that the first time I considered losing my white knit mittens and throwing down was in the middle of Toys R Us while Christmas shopping for my infant child.

Honestly, it was unbelievable. I was disappointed that the shopping experience for my son’s first Christmas was tainted by this women yelling at me for accidentally bumping into her cart. Merry Fucking Christmas to you too, crazy mommy lady. Maybe you should ask Santa for a good night’s sleep and a gift card to attend Anger Management classes.

Needless to say, I shopped online this year.

The Christmas Competitions

It’s that time of the year. The Holidays. The most wonderful time of the year. Right? Of course it is, but that doesn’t make it any less stressful. You know, the shopping, the traveling, the baking, the Elf on the Shelf bullshit. There’s a lot to get done.

For parents, the holidays aren’t simply stressful. Christmas actually includes its own small set of competitions in which parents battle against each other in a variety of events, including Most Creative Elf on The Shelf Ideas, Best Kid Created Ornaments, and Most Homemade Baked Goods. Luckily, the existence of Pinterest provides the perfect forum for pinning our personal successes in these events or for stealing ideas from other mothers if you’re not creative enough to come up with your own.

Check out the kid created (kind of....) ornaments we pulled off this year. I'm so impressed with myself.

Check out the kid created (kind of….) ornaments we pulled off this year. I’m so impressed with myself.

But amidst the Christmas Competitions, one event holds the highest reward. Can you guess what it is??? That’s right. Cutest Christmas Card.

Among the million and a half other things that parents are trying to get done during the holiday season, including beating up other parents in Best Buy to get the last Playstation 4 on Black Friday, every mother begins brainstorming her game plan for creating the cutest Christmas card possible. We begin our Pinterest research, we purchase props on Etsy, some of us even hire professional photographers. Maybe it sounds crazy, but like I said, this competition is some serious shit. Even those parents that post EVERY photo on Facebook resist the urge to post the Christmas photo until after their cards have been signed, sealed, and delivered.

Let me give you a little history on the Cutest Christmas Card event. It started as the Most Impressive Christmas Letter back in the 90’s. Parents would write a five page fucking thesis paper updating their friends and relatives on anything and everything that possibly occurred over the course of the year, including the fact that Susie was named Valedictorian of her high school graduating class and about how Johnny was playing quarterback for the Varsity football team.

Luckily, in this day and age, we don’t have time for that shit so we just try to take the cutest photo of our kid possible and upload it to a pre-made holiday photo card on Shutterfly.

I have to admit that I can’t help but participate in the Christmas Competition. And this year, I think I took that shit home. It’s only December 5th and I’ve already wreaked some serious holiday havoc around here. I had the homemade ornaments finished before Thanksgiving. I shopped online and crossed every item off my list last week. And just so you all know, the Cutest Christmas Card trophy might as well already be sitting on my mantle. It helps that I have the cutest kid that ever lived. Not that I’m biased or anything.

The Christmas card photo is SO cute, that I actually have to try really hard not to share it in this post. But just like all of the other crazy parents participating in the Christmas Competition, it’s almost against the rules to post the photo before it’s been mailed. So, you’ll just have to wait.

Here's a sneak peek of the Cutest Christmas Card photo. I should win this solely based on the fact that my toddler is wearing a tie. And looks damn cute in it, too.

Here’s a sneak peek of the Cutest Christmas Card photo. I should win this solely based on the fact that my toddler is wearing a tie. And looks damn cute in it, too.

Maybe next year, I’ll get really crazy and attempt to bring back the Most Impressive Christmas Letter event and challenge myself with writing a five page research paper detailing every milestone my kid hit over the course of year. Who’s in?

And while you’re waiting patiently and trying to contain your excitement over the anticipation of seeing my amazing Christmas card arrive in your mailbox, take a minute to follow me on Pinterest so I can steal all of your great Christmas crafty ideas. http://www.pinterest.com/thehonestmommy