I was at the bar with my husband and our friend over the Christmas holiday. I know, I know – it’s SO shocking that lame parents like us made it out for a drink with our very social, very childless friends. But anyways, we were chatting and casually watching a basketball game that was on the television behind the bar. During a break in the game, an infomercial came on and our conversation suddenly slowed down. The three of us stood there, mesmerized by this infomercial for a product called, The Perfect Bacon Bowl. Yes, you heard me. The Perfect Bacon Bowl. It’s a mold that allows you to create a bacon bowl that can be stuffed with things like scrambled eggs, macaroni and cheese, or hamburger meat. Maybe we were just hungry for some late night snacks or maybe it was the alcohol, but I could tell that all three of us were definitely craving A Perfect Bacon Bowl stuffed with something delicious.
When I woke up in the morning, the thought of a bacon bowl pretty much made me want to hurl. However, it did remind me of all of the useless, overpriced, gimmicky, annoying products that I actually considered buying while watching television at night after Greyson was born. As a new mother, I watched a LOT of late night TV. Unfortunately, breastfeeding meant that my husband couldn’t really help much in the feeding department and my new baby was up at least 2-3 times a night to nurse. Lucky me. And after 2AM, there’s not a whole lot on television besides mind numbing infomercials. I found myself glued to them. I was actually interested. I was becoming addicted. It’s like the severe exhaustion that sets in from the lack of sleep during the last few months of pregnancy tacked on to the every-three-hour nighttime hang out sessions with my baby were causing a lapse in judgment. I really thought I needed these things. In fact, if I had access to my credit card while sitting there in my bed breastfeeding Grey, I might have actually purchased a good portion of that shit.
Now, twenty-two months later, my good sense has luckily returned and I didn’t consider purchasing The Perfect Bacon Bowl, even thought it did look enticing that night at the bar. Here’s a lovely list of the other obnoxious products that I considered buying post-partum. Enjoy.
A Snuggie. The wearable blanket. This is probably the most amazing product for breastfeeding, post-partum mothers. I was still in between maternity clothes and pre-pregnancy clothes, so I had nothing that fit anyhow. Plus, I spent the majority of my day shirtless due to the constant need to breastfeed. Might as well rock out in a wearable blanket. It would have been a nice change from my bathrobe.
Pajama Jeans. “Pajamas you live in. Jeans you sleep in.” Are you kidding me? They make pajamas that look like jeans? I never have to get dressed again? Need I say more? These were designed for mothers. And did you know that they even make pajama jeans for men and dogs, too? Amazing.
The Shake Weight. Cmon. Is this for real? I’d purchase this solely because I have a sense of humor.
Hot Buns. Ok, here’s a little confession. I actually bought this one. As a new mom, a way to keep my (greasy, unwashed) hair up tight and out of the grasp of my little, hair-pulling baby sounded amazing. Unfortunately, I never had the time to figure out how to work it. Cutting off my hair turned out to be a much faster solution.
Anything Fitness Related. The Thigh Toner, The Belly Burner, The Ab Rocket, The 60-Day Totally Body Conditioning Insanity Program…. The list goes on. And as a post-partum mama with 30 pounds to go before reaching my goal weight, I considered all of it.
Smart Cover. These products are designed to cover severe skin imperfections, like burns, damaged skin, and dark circles. Did someone say DARK CIRCLES? I must buy this immediately, I thought.
Party in the Tub. The Party in the Tub is a toy that spins and gives off an LED light display right there in tub. While Grey was only three weeks old at the time, he’d need tubby toys at some point, right? A light show in the tub sounds safe and totally necessary for every child. Right?
Slimming Leggings. Even in my delirious, exhausted state, I was smart enough to know there is nothing slimming about leggings.
What’s amazing is that every one of these products was available for only 17 easy payments of $39.99. But of course, if I called within two minutes of seeing the infomercial, I’d get a trial of some other useless product and a special gift, FREE! What a fucking deal.
So there you have it, ladies. My advice is this. If you’re bored while breastfeeding alone during the night, avoid the infomercials. Or at the very least, keep your cell phones and your credit cards at bay.
Want to buy some of this useless shit? Check out the links below.