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How to Get Your Children to Sleep through the Night

How to Get Your Children to Sleep Through the Night

So now that I have your attention, I have some disappointing news to share. I do not know how to get your children to sleep through the night. And after welcoming my second baby last year, I have finally figured out the truth.

“Sleeping through the night” is a myth. A fucking myth. It’s like the Santa Claus of parenthood. We want to believe that this is a real thing – that it does exist somewhere in a magical sleep filled land – but in our hearts, we know the truth. It’s all a big lie. Children do not sleep through the night.

And the older you get, the more children you have, the more you come to realize the truth. You will literally never sleep through the night again.

I find the phrase, "sleep like  baby" insanely ironic. Babies don't sleep for shit, people. Just saying.

I find the phrase, “sleep like baby” insanely ironic. Babies don’t sleep for shit, people. Just saying.

Our pediatricians tell us this sad lie is for two important reasons: marketing and money. That’s right. You clicked this post, didn’t you?? You read the title, “How to get your children to sleep through the night” and you rejoiced and you clicked it. It sucked you in the moment you saw it. You prayed that I was going to tell you exactly how to solve your sleepless problems. Because we are taught that children actually sleep through the night, we are desperate to read, buy, and believe anything that “the experts” have to say about how to make this unrealistic miracle happen.

Years ago, some douche bag doctor decided that he would lie to parents, tell them that if they bought his book and followed his instructions, their kids would sleep. And then he giggled as parent after parent sought after his advice, purchased his materials, and slaved over the 5 S’s of sleeping (shushing, side sleeping, swaddling, blah blah blah). Well screw you, Harvey. That shit doesn’t work.

I was just like you. I googled “healthy sleep habits.” Once, I even considered speaking with a sleep consultant. What the hell is a sleep consultant, you ask??? Someone who you pay to tell you lies about how to get your child to sleep through the night.

I prayed that my baby would sleep. And when he didn’t, I told myself that eventually, he would not be a baby anymore and he would learn to sleep. But every time your children tease you with one night of decent sleep – and by decent I mean a five hour stretch – some shit storm happens and it disappears as quickly as it ever arrived. Teething, illness, a chilly bedroom, too much light, not enough light, loud noises. Who knows? Anything and everything will keep your baby from sleeping.

Then your baby will get older, transition from a crib to a bed, and realize that they can actually get up and walk around at night. Good fucking luck.

At age three and four, they become scared of their own fucking shadows and are absolutely incapable of even falling asleep in their bedrooms. Monsters under the bed. Night time potty training. The list goes on.

And don’t you dare think that when they are teenagers, you will finally get to catch up on some zzz’s. It’s true – teenagers like to sleep all day long, but they also like to stay out all night – which will most definitely keep you up as you lay in your bed and worry that they are getting drunk and breaking laws and making children of their own.

So just accept it. It’s never going to happen. Your rested life as you know it is over. Give up and learn to drink coffee.

You’re welcome.

Top 5 Ways to Piss Off a Pregnant Lady

For a lot of women, pregnancy is a miraculous, joyful experience spent planning and preparing to welcome a tiny life into the world. Some women adore their growing baby bumps and revel in the attention that is sure to come their way by practically every stranger on the street. They read the breastfeeding books, attend all the baby care classes, and decorate beautiful nurseries all while sporting that gorgeous pregnancy glow. And then there are people like me – who are pretty much uncomfortable, awkward, and irritated for the majority of the nine months. I want to be one of those perfect pregnant ladies, but I can’t help but think that having another human inside my body is slightly strange and frankly, planning for a new baby is nothing short of seriously stressful in my book. Between trying not to pee my pants every time I sneeze and not being able to pour myself a glass of wine after a long ass day, I’m pretty much just annoyed the majority of the time.

And as if simply being pregnant isn’t challenging enough on its own, I’ve realized that the people around me are only adding to my annoyed attitude. So today, I want to share with you the five most annoying things that people say and do that only further piss off an already annoyed pregnant woman. Here goes.

belly

1.) People who comment on my growing belly. At least a handful of people this week have commented on the fact that my baby bump is growing noticeably bigger. Thanks for stating the obvious, people. I’m six months along….. so… yeah, I’d say it’d be a major problem if I wasn’t getting bigger. But seriously, it makes me feel really awkward when people say shit like, “Oh, your baby bump is getting bigger!!!” Whether you’re my co-worker, my OBGYN at my latest monthly appointment, or some random ass stranger, I’d rather you didn’t share your opinions on my massive midsection.

2.) Random people who rub my belly. The only thing worse than people mentioning my expanding waistline is people who feel the need to actually touch it. I’m not walking around rubbing people’s beer guts, so I’m not sure why you feel the need to pat my belly because I’m pregnant. Not appropriate.

3.) People who share their labor horror stories. Listen, ladies. Let’s all make a pact to stop sharing the disastrous delivery stories. First of all, I’ve been through labor once before and I survived, so I don’t need to know the dirty details of how your own personal delivery when down. And secondly, if you can’t help yourself from discussing your own experience, then just fucking lie to me and tell me it was amazing. Let’s keep it positive and talk about how amazing epidurals are rather than comparing how many hours we all spent suffering through contractions before the anesthesiologist showed up. Am I right??

4.) People who ask me how I’m feeling. I know, I’m being a bitch here – and I know you mean well when you ask how I’m feeling. But most of the time, people who ask this question don’t actually want to know the answer. They ask it because they think it’s the polite thing to do. But do you really want to know how I’m feeling?? I mean, I guess I could be honest and start telling the entire world that I’m exhausted, sweaty, sore, cramping, achy, huge, and nauseous. Other than that, I’m fucking great.

5.) People who ask if we are going to try for a girl. For god’s sake people, let me push out baby boy number two before you start asking if we are going to have baby number three. I’m not even 100% convinced I’m capable of handling two children, so the fact that people are already asking if we are going to have another one is laughable. And even if we have a third child, the answer is NO – we are not “trying” for a girl. We are going to thank our lucky stars that so far, we will never have to face dealing with an emotional, hormone driven, drama-filled teenage daughter.

So there you have it. And while I’m sure there are many other things that I could continually add to this list of shit people do to piss me off on a regular basis, I’m going to stop there for the moment. And please, if you know someone who is pregnant, escape adding to her daily annoyance levels by avoiding the items on this list.

The Newborn Baby Basket

basket4

When I was pregnant, my husband and I were so lucky to be given hundreds of amazing, generous gifts at our baby showers. We had all kinds of gear – swings, seats, carriers, strollers. We had things that we didn’t know how to put together and we had things that we didn’t even know we’d need. It’s amazing how much stuff it takes to raise a tiny baby. Anyways, as far as the baby products go, we were sure we had everything.

And then, the baby came. As we were preparing to leave the hospital, the doctor rattled off a list of directions and medications. He mentioned infant acetaminophen and vasoline for my son, who was recovering some a circumcision. He told me it was safe to take ibuprofen around the clock for the discomfort. One of the nurses recommended Lanolin to help with the pain during the first few days of breastfeeding. All of a sudden, I realized we did NOT have everything we needed. We actually had to make a pit stop at the pharmacy on the way home to stock up on the little things we had forgotten about. 

Since then, I’ve attended two baby showers. When it comes to finding a gift, I have to hold myself back from buying butt loads of adorable outfits and toys. Additionally, I’m always compelled to purchase the precious gear that mothers cannot live without in my opinion, like a bouncy seat and a good baby carrier. But instead, I’ve made it my mission to pick up all those little things that often get forgotten in hopes that my friends won’t have to worry about stopping at Walgreen’s during that first family car ride home.

Today, I want to share with you the basket I put together for a friend this weekend. My apologies about the awful photos, but I didn’t think to take any to post until the last minute. Hopefully you will find this useful and consider putting one together for your preggo friends, too. Enjoy!

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First, I purchased a bunch of products that I found useful in the first few months of motherhood. Then, I found a set of free printable labels from a scrapping blog called Vintage Glam Studio. Print them out here.

These are the labels I chose from Vintage Glam Studio.

These are the labels I chose from Vintage Glam Studio.

I printed the labels, cut them out, and attached them to card stock. I wrote the name of each product on the front of the label. Then, on the back of each label, I wrote a tip for first time parents. Here’s how they came out.

Finished Labels

Finished Labels

Here is the list of products I chose and the tips I included on the labels:

  • Desitin Diaper Cream: Diaper cream is great for preventing diaper rash. However, don’t apply diaper cream to an open rash, as it can cause further irritation.
  • Nursing Pads: Be sure to keep extra nursing pads in your car and at work for the morning that you forget to put them on!
  • Lanolin: Lanolin is every breastfeeding mother’s best friend!
  • Tide Free and Gentle: Many people use Dreft detergent for newborns. However, a dye-free, perfume-free detergent is safe and sensitive for babies – and 1/4 the price of Dreft!
  • Aveeno Lotion: They say newborn babies’ skin doesn’t need lotion right away. However, when baby is a few months old and dry skin appears, we have found Aveeno to be the most sensitive and effective.
  • Aveeno Baby Wash: For the first week or two, use a washcloth and water to clean baby. It’s safe to bathe baby in a tub of water once the umbilical cord has fallen off.
  • Soft Brush and Baby Oil: If baby has cradle cap, apply baby oil to baby’s scalp and let it sit for a few minutes. Then, use a soft brush to clean the scalp.
  • Nail Clippers and Emery Boards: Emery boards (nail files) are much easier to use than clippers in the beginning. Plus, files help soften sharp edges on nails so that baby won’t scratch her face.
  • Baby Powder: Desitin is great for preventing rashes, but we have found powder to be much better for easing the discomfort once a rash develops. Also, add 2 TBSP of baking soda to a warm bath to help soothe baby’s rash.
  • Vick’s Baby Thermometer: Anything above 101 degrees is considered a fever in an infant. Ear or forehead thermometers are great, but a rectal thermometer is most accurate. This thermometer is great because it is very small, making it easy to use and fool-proof.
  • Adult Advil: It’s safe for you to take ibuprofen for pain after birth even while breastfeeding.
  • Vick’s Baby Rub: Vick’s Baby rub is safe after three months of age. They say rubbing Vick’s on the chest and on the soles of the feet help ease an infant cough.
  • Infant’s Acetaminophen: Acetaminophen is safe after three months of age. Dosage charts can be found online.
  • Infant’s Ibuprofen: Ibuprofen is safe after six months of age. Dosage charts can be found online.
  • Little Remedies Saline Spray: Saline spray and a suction will help remove congestion from baby’s nose.
  • Formula Dispenser: Once baby is drinking formula, a travel dispenser will help assist in making bottles-on-the-go very easy!
  • Vasoline: Vasoline can be used on the tip of a thermometer to help when taking a rectal temperature. Also, Vasoline can be applied to the inside of a diaper to help protect baby boys after a circumcision.

It’s amazing how quickly I had forgotten most of this stuff. I used a parenting book that I had read when my son was born for some of the information that I used on the labels. I attached these labels to each baby product using ribbon and placed them neatly in a basket. I also purchased clear shrink wrap to place the basket inside. I found both the basket and the shrink wrap at Hobby Lobby, but you can find these items at any craft store.

Here’s a closer look at the products and the finished basket! Happy Baby Showering!

Finished Product!

Finished Product!

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