The Honest Mommy

So wait, all I have to do is stay at home and I can make up to $1000 a day with no experience or requirements??? And money will just shoot out of my computer?! I FINALLY FOUND MY DREAM JOB!
photo via www.smallbizio.com

I got an email the other day from a job board website letting me know that a company was interested in my resume. They had a position available for a legal secretary. Hmm. Not only do I not remember asking for this job search website to clog my inbox with irrelevant emails every day, but I am almost certain that having four teaching certifications doesn’t really make me the perfect fit for a legal secretary position.

The other night, I sat on the couch for the first time all day, iPad on lap and glass of wine in hand. Usually, this would be the highlight of my day – finally getting a few quiet moments to myself while my husband put the baby to bed to check emails or to work on my blog. But last night was different. Since I am hoping to return to the work force at some point in the near future, I am starting to browse the Internet for job opportunities. I am learning fairly quickly that good job opportunities are hard to come by and as a work at home mother, the opportunity to actually spend time looking for such opportunities is even more limited. As it turns out, trying to find a job is actually a full time job in and of itself.

While I put a lot of time and effort into making the decision to leave my job as the director of a child care center, I didn’t put a ton of time into considering how I was planning on reentering the working world. As a mother of a toddler and a nanny to two other children, I barely have time to put on mascara in the morning, much less to even think about job searching. So far, my efforts have consisted of shooting off a few resumes via job searching websites during the 15 minutes in which the kids’ nap times overlap.

I have also learned that reading postings on job boards is like speed dating. You start out hopeful, but each site is more depressing than the last, and after 20 minutes you are like, “What the fuck am I doing here??” This is not the way to find anything promising or respectable. I sat there last night, becoming more and more depressed about my chances of finding my dream job or ANY decent job for that matter.

I know what you’re thinking – with all those teaching certifications, why am I not looking for a teaching job?? The odds of winning the New York State Lottery are 1 in 175,711,536. Unfortunately, the odds of landing a full-time, permanent teaching job in New York State are actually slightly worse. On top of that, the process of getting your foot in the door includes lots of short-term positions, per diem subbing, and getting laid off for at least your first two or three years in the field. I’d be fine and good with subbing on a per diem basis if I was able to call my fucking fairy god mother at 5:30am and tell her I need her to watch my son since I got called to work. Plus, potentially getting laid off every year isn’t really conducive to supporting a family.

And so, I’ve resided to the sad process of reading job postings on the internet. I read one listing last night about a position that literally sounded so incredibly boring that I might have dozed off before I even reached the qualifications and requirements.

I knew I had really hit rock bottom when I clicked one of those ads on Craigslist that stated something like, “DREAM JOB! Work from home! Create your own hours! Make up to $1000 a day! No experience necessary!” The only things that I can possibly fathom would bring in $1000 a day from home requiring no experience would include advertising indecent photos of myself on the internet or selling prescription drugs on the corner in my neighborhood. Unfortunately, these are not exactly what I’d consider my dream job. As a professional with a Master’s degree and four teaching certifications, the fact that I am looking for jobs on Craiglist is something that I’m not even proud to admit in the first place.

Sigh.

On second thought, maybe I’d better reconsider that legal secretary position.

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So I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am destined to live my life in sweatpants and an over sized t-shirt, typically belonging to my husband. Let me just tell you that this is not because I don’t want to dress nicely or that I don’t care about my appearance. It’s not because I can’t afford to buy myself something cute now and again or because I have absolutely no time to spend shopping. (However, the lack of free time is an obstacle for me as a working mother, but still, it’s not the entire reason why I will never again be able to own high-quality attire).

I have a knack for ruining clothing. While currently, it’s mostly because I am a mother/nanny, this phenomenon started long before my baby chasing days. Before my husband and I were married, we shared a really nice apartment with a friend of ours in a building in the city. It was mostly made up of young professionals, which at the time, we were (sort of) striving to be. However, we probably stretched ourselves a bit on what we could afford for rent, so our budget was tight. We were forced to choose the important things to spend our cash on and cut back on things we could do without. I’m pretty sure no one would have noticed if we’d been out of paper towels for two weeks, but our booze stock never ran low. When we grocery shopped, we stuck to the necessities. Unfortunately, one particular week, laundry soap didn’t make the cut. Several days later, due to a dire need for clean clothes, my boyfriend (now husband) grabbed my dirty pile and ran down to the laundry room in the bottom floor of our building. Because the rest of the neighbors were respectable adults, not only did they actually own laundry soap, but they left it on a shelf in the laundry room – of course, trusting that their fellow respectable neighbors would use their own soap. Well, just this one time, we thought… my boyfriend grabbed a jug of soap and “borrowed”  a small cup for my load. What a good boyfriend – not only doing my laundry but stealing a cup of soap for me. We returned later that night to switch my laundry (probably hoping to “borrow” a dryer sheet from my generous neighbors) to find that every item in the washer was covered in white streaks. What the hell? BLEACH. The soap my husband had “borrowed” from my neighbor had bleach in it. DAMN those professional people! Not only did they own laundry soap, they obviously separated their whites to bleach them now and again. Well, turns out that karma is definitely a major bitch. I had ruined a whole load of clothing, which at the time, was a big deal since my poorly paying job wasn’t going to support me buying a new wardrobe.

I swear, the clothing gods have been punishing me ever since. Despite my every effort, my wardrobe continued to decline slowly over the years. I’ve always had a job working with children – mostly in a childcare setting, so you can imagine what kind of damage ten toddlers can do to your clothes on a daily basis.

Considering the fact that I am now a professional and a responsible adult (somewhat) and I know longer need to “borrow” laundry soap, you’d think I’d be able to put together a decent outfit now and again. Unfortunately for my clothing, motherhood happened. I’m pretty sure that I spent the first eight weeks in my bathrobe, totally avoiding my clothes all together. I mean, what’s the point of wearing a shirt when you are forced to remove it half way every 1.5 hours to attach a screaming infant to your breasts. And on the topic, don’t bother packing clothing to wear at the hospital after delivery unless you plan on ruining everything you bring. If you didn’t already know it, labor and delivery can be a messy state of afrairs… You won’t hate the bed sheet looking moo moo they provide as much as you think you will, considering they will bring you a fresh one every time you need it.

But I digress, even when you do return to normal life after having a baby, nothing you previously owned will fit your permanently altered post baby shape. Even though I have lost the weight, I swear, things are distributed differently than before. Don’t get me wrong, throughout the past year, I’ve made an effort to purchase some nice things. Unfortunately, if you plan on wearing something new and expensive more than once, you better buy two because that shit will get ruined the second you put it on. Baby snot, spit up, spaghetti sauce… the possibilities are endless. If it’s a really special day, you’ll get hit with all three.

On nights where my husband and I are trying to go out to a place in which I will need to wear decent clothing, I literally stay in my bra and underwear until the moment my sitter rings the doorbell. I get dressed and run out of the door before my son can manage to say goodbye, avoiding the chance that he might wipe his snotty nose on the sleeve of the only cute dress I own as we part ways.

This weekend, I purchased a pair of (expensive) mint green capris from Ann Taylor Loft. I loved them – they were amazing. They fit me perfectly, I looked damn good in them if I do say so myself… I wore them for literally four hours before they were covered in mud stains. So, this is me, throwing in the towel. I’ve accepted it – I will never have a closet full of trendy, stain-free clothes. Whether that’s due to my clothing karma or to the simple fact that I am a mother is still up for debate. But just to be safe, I’m thinking about heading back to that old apartment and leaving an extra large bottle of laundry soap for some poor college grad to use when they can’t make ends meet. And I’ll even make sure that it’s bleach-free, too.

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Happy Mother’s Day to all of the amazing, supportive, crazy, boozy moms out there!! I love you all – thanks for reading and supporting my blog!

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Day Drinking and Diaper Changing!

Disinfecting while drinking – one of my favorite Saturday afternoon activities.

As a work at home mother and part-time nanny, not only am I almost never alone, I’m almost never at home alone. If I do manage to score some time to myself, I’m usually sneaking out to have dinner with the girls or to run a few quick errands. On the weekends, if my husband is going out with the baby, we are typically heading somewhere together. As a result, it’s pretty rare that I am actually at the house by myself.

Being home alone is something that I can almost guarantee all childless people take for granted. You can listen to loud music, you can take a shit without a baby pulling on your pant legs, you can lie on the couch and watch something on TV that has main characters that aren’t puppets (or cartoons). These are all things that I totally miss about being home alone. So today, in honor of Mother’s Day, my husband took the baby out to run a few errands. Hopefully, he was running some errands involving buying me a shit ton of booz and bubble bath to spoil myself with tomorrow while he takes on all of my motherly duties.

As my husband and my son pulled out of the driveway, I smiled at the thought of a small amount of time home alone. I could do absolutely ANYTHING I wanted for the next two hours. I could take a nap, I could go for a run, I could read a book. I probably should have caught up on some e-mails and worked on a few job applications. But alone time is limited and mama’s got to prioritize. I created a quick brainstorm of the things that are absolutely impossible for me to do when the baby is biting at my heels. It looked something like this.

I changed into my cleaning clothes – you have these, too, right?? The tank top and shorts that are already rocking bleach stains so you don’t mind ruining any further? I turned on my iPod full blast, collected my sponge and my cleaning supplies and I cleaned the SHIT out of my bathroom.  I used every product that I could possibly find in my cleaning cabinet. There were paper towels flying and Scrubbing Bubbles spraying. I took a few minutes in between my sanitizing to sip on a stiff cocktail. It was like a housewife’s dream. Alcohol and Clorox. Two of my favorite things.

In a previous life, I might have preferred to surf the internet or read a book in the sun with my free time at home. You know you’re a mom when you use your home alone time to passionately disinfect your shower and your toilet – and you actually enjoy it.

My bathroom literally looked better than the day we moved in. After I was done cleaning it, I took the longest shower of my life. Alone. Without a baby banging on the glass doors. It was glorious. Not only did I get to clean my shower, I actually got to take a hot shower, too. And I had a few kickin’ cocktails while doing it. I don’t know about you, but I’d say that’s a pretty successful day. Happy fucking Mother’s Day to me.

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I sat down for the first time the other day around 11:30am after having spent an hour battling the baby down for his nap. I had already been awake for six hours at the time, but sadly, I was still wearing pajamas – dirty pajamas, none the less. My pants were soaked with bubbles that the baby had spilled when we were playing outside at the ass-crack of dawn and the sleeves of my shirt were covered in snot since the baby had a cold and we somehow managed to use all eight boxes of tissues I had purchased earlier in the week. 

I sipped my cold coffee that I had poured two hours earlier and thought about my plans for the day. Depending on how long he slept, we would hit the mall to get the baby a new pair of overly-priced shoes since he’s already outgrown the pair we just bought two months ago. I swear, you’d think I was buying fucking Italian leather loafers for the price these things cost. In his 15 months of life, I’ve definitely already spent more on shoes for this kid than I have spent on myself in the last five years. Anyways, I was planning on heading to the shoe store before meeting up with my girlfriend for an afternoon play date at the park. On the way home, I reminded myself, I needed to stop at the store for soy milk. Oh – and more tissues, I thought, as I pulled off my snot soaked shirt and turned on the shower. I undressed, looking forward to a few minutes alone, as I noticed three Cheerios fall out of my bra when I unhooked it. I looked in the mirror at my half-naked self. My previously long hair had recently been cut into a mom-bob to avoid my son pulling on it. My eyebrows hadn’t been waxed in weeks. The bags under my eyes were so big and dark that they could easily have been mistaken for black holes, right there on my face. I reconsidered the plans I had made and realized that I had become a slave to my son’s sleeping schedule and play date plans. In this moment, it hit me that as much as I had resisted to losing myself to motherhood, I had been momified. 

Women begin the modification process the moment that we learn we are expecting. Immediately, we are forced to change our eating habits, we give up alcohol, and we limit our beloved coffee intake. We quickly learn that we are physically unable to stay awake past 8:00pm due to the little life sucking the energy from within us and that puking is a fairly regular pregnancy pastime. And for me, pregnancy was only the beginning. After the baby was born, I became a full-on mom. I traded in my People for Parenting Magazine. I gave p my sporty, stick-shift sedan for a spacious, top safety rated SUV (a beige SUV, I might add). On top of that, the backseat has now collected probably an entire box worth of Cheerios and due to the overwhelming spoiled milk smell, I’m going to assume that there are at least two dirty sippy cups underneath the seats. While I swore this would never happen, the high-wasted Target brand denim capris that I am rocking at this very moment are dangerously close to being categorized as mom jeans. You think that you will be different. You think that you’ll be able to balance parenthood with your previous life. Then, without even realizing it’s happening, you too will give in to momification. 

Let me back track a little bit here. When I worked as the director of a childcare center, I met a lot of moms. I spoke to them on a regular basis, considering that I was responsible for the well-being of their children for the better part of the work week. I not only knew their names, but I knew their husbands’ names, I knew where they worked, and of course, I knew their children inside and out. I can’t tell you how many phone calls I received in which the mom on the line would greet me with, “Hello, Cait. This is Sophia’s Mother.” Don’t you have a name? I spoke to these women every day when they would drop off and pick up their children, so they had to know I knew their names. Right? Could it be that when a woman becomes a mother, she becomes so involved in raising her child that she actually identifies herself soley as “Sophia’s Mother?” As a childless person at the time, I vowed to myself that when I became a mother, if I ever introduced myself as “So-And-So’s Mom,” I’d slip into some skinny jeans, make a stiff martini, and remind myself that I am an actual woman with a real name and an identity outside of being a mother.

Now, 15 months into it, I am beginning to understand that it’s extremely easy to lose your identity when your whole world revolves around your children. They are the most amazing and important thing that has ever happened in your life, so naturally, you become preoccupied with their every waking want and need. That being said, I think it’s important to maintain some sort of sense of self – after all, I was an independent, educated, successful woman for 27 years before I became a mother. Every once in a while, I have to remember to turn off the Toddler Tunes station and listen to Top Hits on Pandora. I have to tell myself to put on a pair of sexy sling backs rather than one of my many pairs of “mom flats.” And most importantly, if I ever introduce myself to you as “Greyson’s Mom,” help me change out of my mom jeans, hand me a martini, and remind me that I had a life of my own before I had a life as a mom. 

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As a full time mother, I am constantly complaining about my lack of alone time. When I quit my job as the Director of a childcare center, I gave up working 50+ hours a week outside the home to take on 24/7 motherly duties. Unfortunately, there aren’t really any personal days or vacation time built in when you accept the position of mother. It’s a round-the-clock gig. Peeing alone, showering alone, driving in the car alone – doing absolutely anything alone becomes a novelty. I’m usually content with the fact that son my has become my baby sidekick, but after several weeks without any time to myself, I begin a slow progression towards insanity. When I reach that point, I will do almost anything just to get a few hours to myself.

Remember that old saying, “Be careful what you wish for?” Yup – I hate cheesy sayings and clichés, but this one totally sums up the last four days. Saturday was an amazing day. The weather was gorgeous and we spent tons of time with Grey playing in the backyard. I’m slowly getting back into running and I logged 5K Saturday afternoon, which I was totally stoked about. Saturday night, we spent the evening celebrating at our friends’ engagement party at an awesome restaurant overlooking the river. It was a good day, but exhausting none-the-less.  I was looking forward to Sunday and was planning on asking my husband for some time to myself since he’d be traveling for work Monday-Thursday this week. Unfortunately, when I woke up Sunday morning, I was in for a lot more time alone than just an hour or two.

Have you ever heard of Torticollis? If you are a mother, you’ve probably heard the term since it’s common for infants to have Toricollis due to their position in the womb or a difficult birth. It’s random and totally ridiculous, but somehow, I came down with this during the night. I knew right away when I woke up, since I’ve had it twice before (which is also so bizarre). When I was trying to describe to my husband the first time he witnessed this many years ago, I believe he said something like, “So you have to stay in bed for a few days because you have a stiff neck??” Let me tell you, Torticollis is seriously like a stiff neck on steroids. The very first time I had it in high school, I thought I was dying. It’s so severe that when it happens, I literally cannot lift myself out of bed to use the bathroom. It’s that bad. At 5:30am on Sunday, I laid there as motionless as possible, trying not to cause any more pain than necessary, and had a minor freak out over the fact that my husband was going to be leaving for a work trip the next day. How the hell was I going to take care of a baby when I couldn’t even turn my head more than one centimeter in either direction???

After the initial shock, I called my doctor at the ass crack of dawn begging for drugs. There was absolutely no way I was physically able to get in the car to be seen at the doctor’s office, so I was hoping that if I woke up her up early enough, she might just sense the severity of the situation and order me something over the phone. She prescribed a muscle relaxer and some pain meds, cautioning me not to drive while taking such heavy drugs. Are you for real, lady?? I can’t even swallow without crying – you think I’m going to try to get in a car and drive??? Clearly, you’ve never had Torticollis.

I spent the majority of Sunday and Monday banned to my bedroom. I couldn’t let the baby see me otherwise he’d want me to pick him up and hold him, which was definitely out of the question for a few days. On Tuesday, I ventured downstairs and spent the day on the couch. I even sat outside for a little bit. Thank god, my husband was able to cancel his work trip and spent a few days working from home to take care of me and the baby. I have to say, I got a kick out of watching him try to manage full time daddy duty – both during the day and at night. Hopefully he’s got a greater appreciation for the insane workload involved in trying to care for kids all day.

As for me, I got my wish. Not only did I get just a few hours alone, I spent three days in solitary confinement in my bedroom. If I wasn’t so strung out on muscle relaxers, I would have totally used this time to catch up on some reading or to write a few blogs. Unfortunately, I was barely even able to position myself comfortably enough to watch TV.

Being at home full time can be exhausting and preparing for my husband to leave for his next trip was overwhelming. Maybe the Torticollis was a way for my body to tell me to slow down, forcing me into an extremely painful mommy vacation. All in all, two good things came out of this: my husband now understands why I need a break when he gets home from a trip and I got to spend three days doing absolutely nothing… Although the next time I get the chance to do absolutely nothing, I’m hoping it doesn’t involve sipping coffee through a straw, hugging my heating pad, and popping pain meds every six hours.

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Well, here it is!! I am officially offering my very first GIVEAWAY, thanks to Jess over at Mark. by Jess! In honor of Mother’s Day, I wanted to find a way to thank all of my amazing followers and what better way than to offer an awesome product for FREE? But don’t worry, you don’t have to be a mom to win! Anyone can enter by using the Rafflecopter form below.

First of all, let me share a little bit about Mark. “Mark. is an expertly edited beauty & fashion boutique that is constantly launching fresh, on-trend products. Inspired by the hottest runway looks of the season, mark. offers young women must-have, cutting edge trends before they even hit shelves. If you live for the rush of a great find, meet mark.”

To help me out, my friend Jess and I decided to partner up to offer you a great product from Mark. by Jess! Check out Jess’ Facebook Page or her entire Mark. Store! Jess is also the author of the blog, Jessie Jo At Home, so be sure to stop by and say hello there as well!

We thought that every mother could benefit from a little pampering so we are offering you a chance to win the For Goodness Face Antioxidant Skin Moisturizing Lotion SPF 30! This product is an “oil-free moisturizer that helps protect skin’s natural beauty, and is packed with a powerful antioxidant combo of dark chocolate, blueberry extract, lemon fruit, European herb extract and Canadian willow herb extract, plus the all-important SPF 30 to guard against the sun’s damaging rays.”

Good luck, Happy Mother’s Day, and thanks again for the love and support!

Enter by using the Rafflecopter form below! This contest will start on 4/26/2013 and end on 5/3/2013. Must be 18+ to enter. This contest is open to US residents, only. The winner will be chosen at random by rafflecopter and notified by the email address on file with rafflecopter. Must respond to winning notification within 48 hours or another winner will be selected. The Honest Mommy is not responsible for shipment of this prize. Contact The Honest Mommy with any questions!

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If your sweet, little dog mysteriously disappears in the middle of the night, I swear, I had nothing to do with it.
Photo via Petfinder.com

Dear Lovely Next Door Neighbor,

I am writing this letter to inform you of a few things that have come to my attention. Since we live so closely and I truly care about you and your family, I want to share a few things with you. I think you might find some of this information very important and a little concerning.

It seems as though your dog, Chester, is escaping into the backyard sometime between midnight and 2:00am every night. Since my bedroom directly faces your yard, I can hear him barking loudly and sadly, wanting to come inside. I know that since you are so considerate and caring, there is absolutely no way you’d just put your dog outside in the middle of the night and let it bark for long periods of time, especially since you know that we have a baby trying to sleep in our house. I’m really concerned that you might not hear him barking and that you might need to get your hearing checked. I just love and adore your little dog and I feel so sorry for him when he is left out in the cold at night. Who knows what could happen? Someone could just walk right into your yard and kidnap him and then we’d never hear his loud, piercing bark ever again. It’s horrifying to think about. While I would definitely never do anything like that, I think there are some people that would. You can’t be too careful these days.

I also wanted to mention to you that I think your husband might be sleep- walking. I’ve woken up the last several Monday nights around 11:30pm to find him dragging the large, noisy garbage can from the street back up to your garage. While I know that it would bother me to leave my trash can lying in the driveway all day, I know he doesn’t mind because I saw him walk by it twice earlier in the day. There is just no logical reason that he’d decide to drag it back up at 11:30 at night. It’s just so loud – obviously it would wake the neighbors. I know he wouldn’t do that. You should really encourage him to see his doctor about how to treat his sleep walking. Maybe you can have his hearing checked while you are there.

While we are talking about your husband, please, give him our best. I am assuming that he has a back injury or some other health problem that has prevented him from being able to rake up your leaves. An injury can really be the only explanation as to why you would let old, un-raked leaves sit in your yard for six months. Actually, I have the name of someone who you can hire to take care of them for you. I’ll track down their number and pass it along to you. In the meantime, I hope your husband is feeling better soon.

Lastly, tell your son that we are so impressed with how his basketball skills are coming along. I know he is getting better because every night, at 8:00pm, while I am trying to rock my baby to sleep, I can hear every bounce of the ball, every shot he takes, and every time he cheers so loudly and excitedly for himself when he makes a basket. Don’t worry about the noise keeping the baby awake. Seeing your son’s skills improve is definitely more important than getting my baby to sleep at a decent hour. Practice makes perfect, right?

Oh – One more thing. I am so glad that you decided to install a very sensitive and extremely bright motion light on the side of your house. This is a great way to keep the neighborhood protected. Where did you get that light? It stays on for like, 15 minutes! I didn’t even know you could find motion lights that stay on that long. It makes me feel very safe. And really, don’t worry about it shining directly into mine or my baby’s bedrooms. After we realized how difficult it is to sleep with bright lights entering the room, we just went ahead and purchased room-darkening shades. No biggie.

So that’s about it! I hope all is well with you and I hope your husband is feeling better soon. Let’s get together soon!

Sincerely and Definitely NOT Sarcastically,

Your Very Kind and Caring Neighbor

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Stalling Tactic #1: Squirm as much as possible so that Mom is unable to zip PJs.

As a mother, I often find myself thinking about the future for my son.  I wonder if he will do well in school, if he will make lots of friends, and if he will be successful as an adult. I think about if he will be into sports and what kind of occupation he will eventually choose. I’m sure every parent wants their child to be talented in their own way and to nurture and use those talents throughout their lives and their future careers.

And I’ll tell you what, after an evening like the one I just had, I’m pretty sure I have discovered one of my son’s most incredible talents – the ability to stay awake at all costs. And I swear, if avoiding sleep was a sport, we’d be headed for the big leagues, baby.

I can understand how an older child can avoid falling asleep at bedtime now and again. I know that children are master stallers – perfecting their excuses like needing a drink of water or needing to use the bathroom or needing just one more bedtime story. However, when I had a child, I didn’t realize that even babies were capable of avoiding sleep. Seriously, aren’t infants supposed to sleep like 14 hours a night or something ridiculous? Not only would my son probably stay up until 11:00pm every night if I let him, he wakes up at 5:30am every single day – no matter what time he finally gives up on staying awake.

After a really long day and a really short nap this afternoon, I thought for sure I had this one in the bag. I figured he’d be asleep before he even finished his last bottle tonight. As it turns out, apparently Grey took a little training in stalling because he has figured out that if he pokes his eyes and swings his legs around simultaneously, he is sure to stay awake.

Our bedtime routine looks something like this. Diaper change, bottle, rocking chair, transfer to crib. On a good night, we do this cycle once. On a rough night, we go through the cycle twice. On a really shitty night, I start taking shots of vodka between cycles because after several cycles/shots, at least I will be asleep (or passed out), even if the baby is not.

I went into Grey’s room, picked him up, and sat down in the rocking chair to start Cycle #3 of our little charade tonight. As I began to rock him, he opened his eyes, looked at me, and laughed. Who knew a 14 month old was capable of thinking his little manipulative, stalling ways were hilarious?? What a little shit. It’s a good thing he’s cute. And all I have to say is this – if I show up to work tomorrow with a hangover, I am totally blaming the baby who drove me to drink during our bedtime battles.

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Yesterday afternoon, my husband and I got a sitter so that we could go to the bar, have a beer, and catch up with each other. We ended up talking about our relationship as a married couple. While it’s not something that we typically discuss often, I am beginning to realize that talking about your relationship is probably the first and most important step in achieving a successful and happy marriage. Later, as I was browsing through blogs and articles online, I came across a post written by a married couple that shared the seven ways they saved their marriage. For someone who reads a lot of magazines, articles, and blogs, I typically steer clear of this kind of thing, but after the discussion that I had just had with my husband, it piqued my interest.

As I read through the post, I quickly remembered why I normally avoid reading anything that claims to improve my marriage or spice up my sex life. While I am sure that there are many very informative and well researched reference books about successful marriages written by qualified therapists, I find it impossible to believe that a two page blog post  (or a book for that matter) written by a stranger will do anything to improve my own personal relationship. Don’t get me wrong – I think it’s awesome that this couple had the balls to share their experience, but I just don’t think that what saved their marriage will benefit me in any way. While I am no expert myself, what I do know is that every marriage is exceedingly unique and that a “one size fits all” fix will most certainly fail for many couples.

While I don’t think the post was suggesting that exactly what worked for them will work for everyone, I think I get caught up in reading these types of articles that way. It suggested to let the little annoying things go, have sex even if you don’t want to, don’t compare who does more work/more chores. It also said not to bring up past issues and to stop focusing on the negative things in your relationship. All decent advice and all shit I’ve heard before.

Unfortunately, I am a woman, so I can’t help it if despite all my effort, I am forced to bring up past issues just in case there is the chance my husband wasn’t listening the first time I yelled at him about it.  I’d love to let the little pet-peevy type things go, but some of us can’t, so my advice to all husbands is to just stop doing things that annoy us. Sometimes, after running the parenting marathon all day, I am too exhausted to think about having sex, much less staying up past 9:30pm at all. Not to mention the fact that I am covered in spit up and snot is grossing me out and I’m sure it’s not exactly turning on my husband, either. And lastly, women only compare who does more chores because we are always the one who does more chores. Am I right, ladies??? Alright, alright. Just kidding on that last one, honey. Luckily, my anal husband thrives off completing tasks, especially chores. Gotta love him for that.

Like I said, I am no expert, but what I’ve realized is that even if marriage comes easily and naturally before having children, the moment that little bundle of love enters your family, everything will change. You begin an entirely new relationship with your husband – not just as spouses, but as parents. It’s a fast-paced and tiring new challenge. It can become very easy to lose sight of your relationship as husband and wife when you are constantly focused on your relationship as parents. Both are equally as important and go hand in hand. So while I might not be able to let every single little thing go or have sex even when I’m too tired, I do know that finding an opportunity to actually talk to each other once in a while about how things are going can be really helpful – even if that means having to get a sitter on a Sunday to find two hours alone to catch up.

Writing this post didn’t help me to come up with seven tips to improve my marriage (or yours), but I can say this. The next time that I feel the urge to scroll some article about how to better connect and communicate with my spouse, I will close my computer, call my sitter, and meet my husband at the bar to enjoy a few cocktails and a little conversation. Who knows? Maybe we’ll get crazy and even attempt to stay up past 9:30pm just for the sake of a little extra time together.

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